I needed to print something and his comp is the only one hooked up to the printer. And he left open, ON THE SCREEN, a letter to his Dad explaining how he wants to come live with them.
His Dad responded by saying he thought that might send a wrong message to our children, about not taking care of them.
I am not surprised by H's desire.
But seeing it in print... somehow just took my breath away.
One way or the other, can't this just resolve?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Sounds like your h is ready to run back home to mom and dad. Now, does this sound like a mature adult? Nope, sounds more like a teenager homesick at boarding school wanting to return to the fold.
His father definitely gave him something to think about. Whether it sinks in or not is the question of the day.
It will resolve when he's ready to face his issues. He's still in replay and that stage takes a very long time. I do think he left the letter open on his screen hoping that you will see it and comment about it. I wouldn't say one word, i.e., let him bring it up.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree that it sounds exactly like that. He spins it so that it would be him "taking care of them" which, granted they are in their mid 80s and do have some health issues. But they still live in their own home, still drive etc. Even they say "they aren't at the point yet where they need a live in caretaker".
So I see H's desire as "running away" rather than "running to". He has, among so many other issues, regrets about his R with his folks. But I think the damage done there cannot be undone - at least not in a way that will make H feel good. And when he can't "fix" what he sees as wrong, this failure will only make him feel worse.
And on a rather amusing side note, they don't know he gambles every weekend. He in fact takes great pains to have them not know. (Got upset with me when once his Mom phoned while he was gambling and I told her where he was. Lol. Seriously? You're 54 years old and I'm supposed to lie to your mother about where you are? I don't think so.) I did ask him once what he would do about gambling if he lived with them and he said that in that case he'd have to tell them. But they'd be ok with it because of all the money he'd be winning. (Huge eye roll here!)
And no, I don't plan to say anything about what he left on screen.
More often of late, I don't like him. I'm forcing myself to let go of obsession with ow - some days are better than others with this. Definitely a weak point for me. But in the most recent R talk H alluded to "numerous women" he'd had "flirtations" with, but "most of them didn't go anywhere".
That sent me spinning for a long time. So badly that I couldn't even come here and write.
But the reality of my husband as a serial cheater is beginning to sink in.
I still believe that he's having a MLC, but it seems that's not the only issue.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I came to give you some support on your thread. I wish I had some fabulous wisdom to pass onto you.
MLC is so very different when we are up close and personal. It isn't the cliche red sports car protrayed by general media. In fact, I would be so grateful if it was, at least I would get a cool ride out of it. Instead, it is a condition that turns the MLCer inside out and spins their families in the dryer on high speed. For me, the worst manifestation of MLC was the OW, so I can empathize with you there.
Take your time before making any decisions. The whole concept of time is good and bad, I think. Bad because we feel like we are constantly waiting but good, because the situation does not change in a hurry. Feelings change day to day but the core of the situation takes a long time to change. I think we can use that to our advantage.
Post when you need to - even if you are spinning - we will be there with a bucket and Gravol.
Must say it feels so good to know somebody out there is in fact interested in my blatherings.
My H got a motorcycle.... but its blue.
Inside out is an apt description. (Gutted is another...)
Can't stand the ow. Can't stand being valued so little by someone I have spent nearly half my life trying to please; choosing to love despite his behavior.
I told H that. I can handle the other stuff. The distance, the need for "space", the gambling every weekend, the fixation on his folks, the anger, all of that is manageable. The ow is the final straw.
Can't do it.
Won't do it.
But. HAH. He won't leave.
Yet anyway.
Being the "alpha" male he probably hasn't gone simply because I asked him to. Lol. He's a prisoner of his machismo - its not over until HE says its over.
IDK about this gift of time. Seems to me like just more time roasting in hellfire... and for what? H has established a pattern for the last 20 years of being, in HIS words, "mean" to me - IN ADDITION TO CHEATING. What is it I should be waiting for? Another 20 years like the last 20? No thank you.
Not only do I not see a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't even believe a light exists.
Sorry to be so dark. Feeling rather dark these days. About him anyways.
But there's some good bits in my life too.
When I started here at DB I was unemployed. Now I have 2 jobs! One of which I really really like!
Having weekends free of H has been good for S19 I think. They don't get along, H treats S19 somewhat like he treats me. When H is gone S19 actually comes out of his room and spends time with the fam.
Have to run.
Thanks again for stopping by. Thank you to everyone who takes time out of their day to connect. It really means a lot to me. You can't even know what a difference it makes to me.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm so glad you like your job, you seem really happy about that. I remember how trapped you felt when you were unemployed. Maybe you feel a little less so now?
I thought of you the other day while I was sitting in the bleachers at baseball practice. The temperature was less than freezing with a 20 mph wind. Any sports in your life this season?
Freezing on the bleachers lol. Wow that sounds fun - not. The things parents do to themselves...
Only sport right now is indoor soccer so I'm totally spoiled at the moment (That's ok, you can be jealous!) But track starts up fairly soon and then the whining will begin in earnest.
I am so grateful to have an income!! I don't make enough to maintain this house but if H disappeared tomorrow I could scramble enough to be sure there was no starvation. And yes, that eases the trap just a bit.
Thanks for stopping by! Stay warm
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm glad that you like one of your jobs. This makes a huge difference in how you view working if you like it. I'm very sorry you are having some "dark" moments...but those moments will pass in time.
I'm very happy to see that S19 does come out and spend time w/the family when his father is gone. It's very sad that his father treats him the same way that he does you. I do think your h knows that your S19 is on to him and will call him on his behavior at some point...that's why he's being treated the way that he is. Your h doesn't want anyone questioning or challenging him.
Hang in there. I do think you are doing great.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
(That's ok, you can be jealous!) But track starts up fairly soon and then the whining will begin in earnest.