Well I hope this doesn't sound like I'm back-tracking and defending him, because I'm really just trying to clarify. He does lie and has done so throughout our M, and on some very hurtful topics (ex. online affair.) But this very recent discussion of his committing to do something and then not doing it is not even something I classify as lying. I believe he fully intends to do it when he commits to it, but them simply forgets or no longer cares when the time comes to actually doing it.
For example, he has taken on the responsibility of paying the bills (physically, not financially.) In my book, that means paying them on time. It's not that tough of a job, most of the bills are auto-paid electronically. And we pay off everything every month so it's just a matter of writing the checks, not having to be financially creative. The only ugly part of the process is sorting through all the statements and junk mail that comes in (don't get me started USPS!) and finding the 3 or 4 bills that have to be paid manually. After missing a few due dates and having to pay late fees, he committed to going through the mail everyday when it comes in and then paying the bills every Sunday night. Well one of the spats this weekend resulted because there were 3-4 weeks of mail stacked in the mail basket (S12 brings it in) and a bill wasn't paid. NONE were paid but this one was expensive ($35 late fee + 22% interest.) He only knew about it because I tracked down this specific bill to see that it had gotten paid and it hadn't, and then I found it in the stack of mail.
The really sad part for me is that he went and discussed our argument with a counselor and her suggestion was that I should do the bills since I'm better at it. (He, of course, came back and told me this.) The problem is, if you look at it that way, I'm better at EVERYTHING. There's no talent required for this task. The recycle bin is literally right next to the mail basket, which is right next to the refrigerator. I have everything else set up to auto-pay. It literally is 3 or 4 bills that have to be monitored. And I've provided no instruction whatsoever because H does not like to be controlled.
So is this lying? It's definitely not doing what he committed to, so his word isn't worth squat. Is it crazy-making? Definitely. Is it gas-lighting? I don't know. I know that no one that knows my H would believe he's capable of anything despicable, so I definitely look crazy to everyone else.
OT, I do focus on myself, not just on ways to improve myself but on ways that I can interact with H assuming he's never going to change. Part of that process involves trying to understand him. I've read a ton of articles/books that talk to the fact that "shaming" is the worst thing you can do to a man. So I don't point out the growing stack of mail because he might interpret it as shaming him. Of course, nagging is definitely off-limits. Controlling? LOL! By the time I eliminate all the possible negative inputs I might present, I'm left with nothing but a growing pile of mail.
The other problem I have is that it is completely possible that H has a "real" problem, something tangible, something measurable, something more than "he's just a normal guy." Yesterday, I was researching "coping" skills, because that was something H told me I needed to work on. In that process, I stumbled across a site that was devoted to ADD/ADHD in M, and the symptoms and impact. At one point, I felt like I needed to search the house for hidden cameras and microphones, it was so personal. H was told years ago by a counselor that he should probably be tested for ADD, but he never did it.
The counselor he's seeing right now he's seeing because I literally demanded it, ultimatum and everything. (It wasn't pretty but I had reached the end of my rope.) He was supposed to be getting tested for ADD, narcissism and a few other things. I think he started in October? How long does it take for an ADD diagnosis? Supposedly, "they're still considering it." So, if it doesn't test out and there's not a prescription that can help address the problem, then what? I have a spouse with all the symptoms of someone with ADD, but there's no biological reason for it. Which means it's just all him, his choice, his way of life. Does that make him diabolical? Despicable? Evil? Or just selfish, immature, lazy, and irresponsible? To me it doesn't really matter. From my point of view, it all looks the same. I'm living with a "child" that demands that I have sex with him, or else. And I'm told that's a healthy boundary of his.
