We are all here worried about you and want to make sure you protect yourself - I hope you can see that in everyone's advice.
I agree that you should not be intimidated by threats. Ignoring spewing or mean comments by your H is a good approach. I also think there is something to say for diffusing a situation and i believe you can do both.
When your H acts mean or threatens, you can ignore. When he asks you a question, you can simply respond in a timely manner to end the discussion. As Advina says, sometimes it's better to respond right away just to diffuse and settle the issue.
Having healthy boundaries doesn't mean you have to react angrily or be mean. It may seem like a contradiction or a hard act to balance, but how great is it to be able to state what we need in a calm and pleasant tone. I believe that for us to get to that place emotionally, detachment is huge.
All the legal stuff will sort itself out in the end - let go of the anxiety, lean on your lawyer and instead focus on yourself and the kids, which is something you can control.
Take care! ((((NLW)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
It's the crazy that gets to me the most. Trying not to mind read or look for answers (why is he doing this now?).
Hard to keep my mind free of this.
I've been busy - going to movies with kids (we got movie vouchers from MIL for Xmas), driving them way out of the city for rowing (S14 won 2 medals), and going to school 'welcome' parties.
Thanks for your take on this - it really helps to see things from someone else's perspective.
I do need to work on diffusing situations. This has never been a strong point for me. I usually go straight to escalating everything into a catastrophe.
I am mindful of the need to state what I need calmly and pleasantly. I've seen that nothing else works, in any case.
Trying to let go of the anxiety about the legal stuff. I know it doesn't help... but I still have a way to go on this.
Tori, Mediation is about settlement and custody issues. Agreements on these need to be applied for within 12 months after D is granted. It can be done through court or mediation. The D automatic - just a rubber-stamp following application. The settlement can drag on for a long time.
At a school party for parents the other night, I met a woman who was D-ed and her new partner.
She was nice; he was a creep. She had settled for this guy, presumably because there was so little else out there. He was a divorced (no contact with his own children), self-absorbed, fake, pushy, yuck-o who pawed her repeatedly as we all chatted (at a school event!).
What rattled me was that she seemed like a catch - good-looking, smart, friendly, etc, etc. And yet she'd hooked up with this weird guy... maybe an indication of what's in store for me as a D-ed woman. Is this all there is out there? So depressing. I know, sample size of one! But it was sobering.
The other thing i've noticed recently is that the only 'interest' I seem to get comes from married men. You've got to be kidding me! I could have started an A twice in the last 2 weeks but these guys makes me feel sick.
Is this standard? Are there any good guys out there after the age of 40-50 who aren't damaged? Sorry to all those on this site: you guys who have insight into your situations and are working on yourselves are probably not in the dating pool anyway. I'm probably so mucked up myself that another R would not be easy.... how depressing it all is.
Sorry, just had to get this off my chest.
Watched 'It's Complicated' again on TV last night. And I still think Alec Baldwin is a better option for her than Steve Martin....oh, the power of the fairy tale.
