25yearsmlc

[adinva]

I think it's telling that your H wants to discuss the kids between you two instead of taking his issue to them directly, and that your kids rebuff you with "he won't listen." In your shoes, at some point, I would call a family meeting over a plate of brownies or chips and salsa and tell them for exactly 30 minutes we're going to declare a safe zone and get some stuff out. And then prompt them. "I heard so and so say dad won't listen so they don't want to share how they feel with them. H, do you want to listen and how do you think you might show them you want to? Think, body language, not arguing or getting defensive, really hearing where they are and how they feel without getting mad about it." "Kids, are you willing to say what you're feeling without using hurtful or mean words?" "What does love look like to you, what are you expecting and not getting?" "What does work obligation mean to you dad, how do you feel about getting pulled between duty and family? and how do you think family should behave to ease this for you?" "Kids, how do you think you should be easing this challenge for dad?" I don't know, maybe with you facilitating they could do this.

I did facilitate a conversation with my kids and their dad. One was upstairs yelling and slamming doors and we sat down together and I tried to translate to help them make progress. Saying "I hear you, son, saying xyz, is that what you were trying to say?" "I hear your dad getting frustrated and raising his voice, can you hear the message he's saying instead of just objecting to the way he's saying it?" It was kind of like our therapy session except without the therapist. she had actually suggested we do it on a regular basis but it was a little too new-agey for my family dynamic and we've kind of kept it as an as-needed tool.

Also, I believe a big factor in the problems that are happening is the unspeakable trauma your H has been through. That can't be ignored and glossed over.