3 Months in, Still fighting. Crunch time!

[cat04]

I have been reading along, waiting to see the hoopla die down.

To be quite honest, this thread has been a little over the top and highly insulting in my opinion.

SM, you are a double major in two very analytical fields. Unfortunately, you are dealing with human emotion here and that is something that is difficult to analyze in the same way you can analyze other areas of life.

For ME, the only consistently annoying thing in your posts is the lecture mode you get into, with a lot of superficial analysis that you think is insightful and useful for US. You are still not aware of when you do it or how patronizing it feels when you do it. It's as if what you just learned (assuming we even agree with it) is something none of us knew but now, thanks to you, we'll finally know it too. See how that reads?

You say you don't mean it that way, but then you repeat the behavior, again & again.

I agree with this and if we can see it, I am sure that your W can see it as well. And I can bet that it makes you a bit of a frustrating person to live with.

So my first thought if you NEED to read and learn, would be stop reading things that are from a scientific approach and start reading things that talk about emotions and emotional reactions.

Learn about judgement and what that LOOKS like and how easy it is for us to appear judgmental even if we don’t mean to. You state your wife didn’t believe your sincerity and it is obvious that the emotional connection was lost between you. Because you come across as judgmental, even if you don’t mean it and trying to explain it rationally, doesn’t make it less hurtful, less insulting, or more sincere.

This is a perfect example…

I mean I am careful not to take advise from someone who is a noob, or someone who is offering advise from a place of "bitterness" or anyone who believes they know EXACTLY what I need to do.

Noobs…learn by reading and posting to others. While they may not have the experience of a vet, they are still smart people, with ideas that may or may not work. They have thoughts and feelings and opinions that are not any less valid than other people. And just because they are new here, they may also have tried things that didn’t work for them and are simply sharing the benefit of their experience. Just like a new parent tries to tell their child not to touch the stove because they will get burned, sometimes the experience of getting burned, is enough for them to want to help someone avoid the same experience.

Stop thinking like your wife is some lost little puppy who doesn't know what she is doing or " needs to get this out of her system". Because she's only been with you. Marrying the first guy you were with doesn't give you a free pass to sew your wild oats In your M.

This is also another example. And it has been a prevailing thought in your threads.

I understand it is easier to handle the idea of an affair, something that is hurtful to you, if you believe your W is “lost”. However, she is not stupid. She may be a little bit inexperienced and it is natural for her to wonder if she missed out on something, but she is not stupid.

And while there is some validity to “Affair Fog” because of the chemical reactions that happen in the brain when you begin a new relationship, again, she is not stupid. She understands right from wrong. Even if she is confused right now.

Unfortunately it comes across as you seeing her as a little bit stupid. And like you are just waiting for her to smarten up. And SHE can see that.

You have also kept talking about being WILLING to change IF she wants to work it out, and that raises huge red flags for me. I honestly can’t believe it hasn’t been said to you before…

Stop waiting for indications of improvement in order to begin that change, just start changing.

You can make changes and learn different communication styles while working on your specific plan of action that you have devised with your coach.

Okay...as this post reveals, you pretty much don't get it when it comes to compliments/words of affirmation and being sincere.

Read the 5 Love Languages, and reread it. Words of affirmation…words of affirmation…words of affirmation…repeat…

I too didn’t see a lot of conflicting advice. While I don’t know if I agree that the hard line is the best way to approach this right now (not that I disagree either, although I don’t think you are ready to try to pull it off), I see people saying the same thing. And the bottom line in that idea is for you to protect yourself a bit. People who don’t take that hard line at some point, people who continue to let the cake eating go on indefinitely, without change happening in their situation, eventually, end up feeling like doormats. They tend to develop feelings of regret, bitterness, and resentment, which are not good feelings to have and are harder to overcome than some realize until they are already there, in that space. And like a new parent, they don’t want you to touch the hot stove.

I hope you decide to think about some of this stuff, NOT analyze it, but think about it. I hope that you can look at your communication style and see why all of the drama that occurred on this thread occurred. I hope that you can step outside of yourself and see areas where you can make changes and improvements that will hopefully help you to see more positives in your situation.

Cat