Last night after W left, I had a young lady fbook request me as a friend. Keep in mind she is young enough to be my daughter, a really good person, mutual acquaintance, and I'm sure no interest on either if our parts. She probably has no clue anything is even going on. Anyway, within seconds W sends me a text wanting to know why I'm friends with this girl. I tell her she sent me a request and maybe she thinks I can help her find work after college. Go on to say, ask her she sent me the request. W gets short and the jealousy shows.
I take this as a chance to pull a 180 (I've never told her about any other women flirting or showing interest). Tell her I've a a couple of grown women, both of who she knows, check to determine my interest, explain to W that while I'm flattered there is no interest from me. And it was true, they did. BOOM! Jealousy to the nth degree. All kinds of ugly teenage type texts about how these women have always tried to steal her men, they're gold diggers, and they need to grow up. It was so much fun to see her get jealous, and to push her buttons for a change.
Now, y'all may say this was the worst thing I could do, but man it felt good to be the one 'moving on', even if I'm not. For her, I'm sure this isn't so funny when the shoes on the other foot. She's so cute when she gets mad.
Wrong scenario. Knock it off. You will only look like a fool.
Financial question. W isn't willing to discuss much when it comes to finances. How do I help her understand that I/we need to make some tough financial decisions, especially related to our home? I can't be as tough as I'd like because this is a two income responsibility. I need her to help pay the mortgage, which means I have to put up with her foolish spending.
This is not really a DB question, but spend some time, get your ducks in a row. Being 'tough' is not the same as setting boundaries. Don't be tough. Find a lawyer if yu havent and protect yourself WITHOUT going for the jugular.
Without specifics, everyone knows what that means.
In the span of two hours I got more mixed signals than I care to figure out
Ok, first thing is that your W is not sending you mixed signal.....there is no signal.
Stealing a metaphor from another poster, picture this: A large cardboard box on the table with the lid closed. The box is filled with 100 angry and crazy frogs, hopping "mad"....this is your W's state of mind right now if she is mlc...don't peek in the box, you might lose an eye. M'Kay?
Stop playing the jealousy card, you'll lose...even if she were to come back to you based on that, it isn't what you want....you'll be back here in a couple years, or sooner...so you still would lose.
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no she was completely against drinking as her father was a recovering alcoholic. Thanfullu, she has always been slim and trim. She did go on Effexor for panic attacks and it seems things got worse (drinking) and appears to have her numb in general. No tears at funeral.
Do some research on that drug, it is known for some side effects like you are witnessing...in my case, both times my W went on it, she exhibited a marked change in behavior, numb, NO empathy (and she was/is very empathetic)...instead on alcohol she went for OMs, BOTH times. Just fyi....
First and foremost, BACK-OFF! Stop poking the sleeping cat. Give her space. Work on YOU!
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back to the way things were or get a divorce, she would choose divorce.
So tell about "the way things were"...what has she told you that when you looked in the mirror honestly had some validity? We all have missed the mark as spouses in some fashion. What are you doing about it, for you, to be a better man, father, husband?
Have you read all of Cadet's homework? How about other poster's sitches, like ForeverYoung's, or Jayhawk1970's?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks for all the comments. I knew the jealousy card was wrong but couldn't resist. I have read all cadets info, and I am working on things. I also feel like the anti-d is mot helping and have read some things but not a true controlled study.
The one valid comment she makes is I need to gal. I'm working on that as best I can. I feel I'm between a rock and a hard place. I've been responsible for cooking, homework, laundry, bedtime routine, etc for so long it leaves little time in the evening for anything else. Its almost a role reversal from the old traditional family.
She keeps saying I need to get back to coaching ball. I am planning to coach my S9 baseball team this spring. I travel out of town a day or two a week for work and usually have a night a week spent in a meeting at church. What time I do have is spent with my boys playing something. And I enjoy that. They're fun and I get satisfaction in teaching them how to play sports.
My counselor has heard more of the details than I can post here and he said she wants someone she can cheer for again. Maybe the coaching will help. If not i may start training for marathons.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I was finally able to read jayhawk's thread and am continually surprised at how all these aliens keep picking up the same manuals on their way down here. I've heard many of the same spew and, thanks to situ like his and others, can recognize and see the same behaviors in my W. The guilt, the self pity, the cognitive dissonance, etc.
And, like j, I too struggle with the thought that my being dim/dark is going to cause my W to think I'm ok with her moving forward with D. Additionally, I know my W, same as j's, has put zero thought into what getting the D really means. It is such a teenager mentality. "I know what I want (D), but I'm not willing to put any effort into making it happen. Hey, I bet H ( guest staring in the parent role) will do it for me!'
I've told myself that W treats me like the Wolf in Pulp Fiction. When the crap hits the fan, or as in the movie you blow someone's brains out all over the inside of your car, you need someone to rush in and fix it. I've been doing that for years and did it out of love. And would gladly do it all again. I suppose that's why this is so difficult to deal with for me. At, to date, the time when my W could use me the most, she doesn't want me. I cannot fix this, and it breaks my heart.
Going to keep working on me and taking care of my boys. Signed up today to coach baseball this spring. It'll be nice to get out on the field.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Does anyone have tips on how to stay asleep at night? I go to sleep fine but wake up about 3 am and can't go back to sleep. Would prefer not to have to take something.
W was very distant yesterday. We had to go pick up her car. It was getting fixed from when she hit a tree the other night. Really quiet trip, other than having to hear Erasure's 'A Little Respect' song over and over. She's been listening to it a lot lately. She forgot I always liked the song (sorry I had to admit that). She was humming it the other day and I asked her, is that Erasure? She looked puzzled and said are you the one that use to listen to that. She couldn't remember why she knew it. Her memory is shot,
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Everyone says melototain works great but then you need to take it forever.
I had such trouble sleeping at the beginning, for weeks and weeks but it has gotten better
I am drawn to your case because your W like my H is so clearly in crisis. I know now from almost 2 years into this that crisis WAS take much longer to possibly come back (many do not). The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your kids.
Please please look for alanon in your area.
It is weird that she is listening to a song you like over & over. A "normal" person doesnt forget (even if their memory is bad) a song their partner liked. Something is wrong.
Also interesting that she is listening to song called respect. She is asking that you show her respect. You need to figure out how she thinks respect looks.
Hang in there. You are doing the best you can in very trying times
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Bklm, thanks for your advice. Can you expound on the crisis WAS, as opposed to the normal MLCer? I apologize for not being able to find a word other than normal to use. Also, if you could link your story, I'd love to learn more about your situ.
I haven't thought about how she views respect. Historically, we were a very equal couple. The area that I had more involvement that she did was financially. She preferred it that way. She, unfortunately, grew up in a house where the concept of financial responsibility didn't exist. If we work through this, one of my biggest hopes is that she will become a true partner in our financial matters. I have experienced lots of stress over the years making sure we are living within our means. It would be nice to have her input.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I think there is a difference between a WAS and a MLCer. I would compare a MLC person to an addicit that needs to hit bottom and a WAS who is more a person that is not having their needs met in a relationship.
For most of us it is a combination of both aspects. I know that in my ditch their were many things I needed to change about be. But ultimately my sitch would have happened regardless of whether or not I was the perfect wife because my h is so unhappy with himself.
If you click on my name where it's highlighted in red you can choose posts that I have created
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
