I do have a very active social life. I play Bunko twice a month, go out for coffee/drinks/lunch with my friends at least once a week, book club, exercising with them..., Well I should say I *did* have an active social life because now I would have to pay for a babysitter and be reluctant to leave them as they are very fragile. I leave them with friends when I go to therapy or the lawyer, and even then it doesn't feel good for any of us. They would not stay with my H on his own right now and even if they would, since he has no place to watch them he would have to watch them in the house and I don't trust him here on his own.
I am lucky because I have many people who love me and support me. I'm a really great friend and have friends that are even better than I am. When my mom was sick, I had dozens of offers for babysitting and people showed up with treats for us for months. When she died, my friends provided meals for our family every single night for 6 weeks, every day a different person showed up on my front porch with a hug and a hot meal. I haven't told many people about this yet, but the of the 5 people I have, 4 have promised to do ANYTHING for revenge against them. I just need to say the word. LOL! they are passionate and dangerous and they make me laugh. I know they won't do anything because I said--don't give them the pleasure of clinging to one another in persecution. But still! A mark of a good friend if there ever was one!! The 5th friend is a psychoanalyst and she just helped me find a good therapist. So I have some balance in my life, not just crazies
Right now my biggest struggle is trying to make peace with the fact that H hasn't really accepted the impact his actions have had on the boys. H said that he realizes now that his bond with the boys while he was in the house was largely based on his presence. He did not "DO" much to initiate contact and he agrees that I was the bridge between his and their relationship. Computer games, the gym, playing the guitar ALL came before me and the kids. Right now the OW and spending time with her (and her son) take precedence over our sons. I shouldn't be surprised, except before our sons were joyful carefree happy little boys and now they are angry, sad, withdrawn, confused and frightened. H has heard from me how difficult it is to navigate through their emotional storm, and last night on the phone he heard a minor simultaenous meltdown from the boys. I am sure it shocked him and hurt him to hear them shriek and stomp and slam doors--this is not their style.
The therapist said he needs to spend more time with them. S8 said he doesn't really believe that Daddy loves him anymore. I have told H from the start that he is welcome to see the boys EVERY day. He has chosen not to. And tomorrow he will be off on a weekend getaway with the OW and not see the boys all weekend.
I can't stop hating him for what he is choosing. He'll be off having fun, and I am stuck here drying tears and holding together the life that he destroyed. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be my sons' rock, even if it means I am the target for their anger and resentment, but this is SO UNFAIR.
this is my biggest challenge. I would be just as bad if he was choosing computer games over them...but the fact that the OW is a mother, and realizes what is going on with the boys...well that is just even more disgusting to me.
