GTO, I hope you start feeling better soon. What your talking about is part of my struggle. Truly letting them go and knowing they may actually leave, is a painful struggle. However until we really let go and allow ourselves to heal we cannot move forward. We cannot have a healthy relationship with them until we have a healthy relationship with ourselves. Find a way to detach, for me it's a group of men I trust, that I can tell them things I have told no one before in my life. Fears and doubts that I tried to control yet I could not. The group I'm in is Celebrate Recovery and it has saved me. My relationship with my wife may recover at some point in the future but it will never recover until I am healthy. I hope my struggles helps you in some small way. I am now starting to claw my way out of this pit of muck and sludge called self doubt and loathing. Good luck GTO, I am here shouting and encouraging you to crawl with me.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
