Righting my Marital ship; 1st stop: Retrouvaille

[25yearsmlc]

Quick update....my marital ship has a plethora of holes in it. My W no longer wants to work on our marriage and will be moving out at the end of next week.

Well, dang, what can I say? Ouch!...SIGH...bummer. I'm really sorry LITB. Truly I am. It's always in the back of our minds, isn't it? "What if they go again?"

And, OTOH, they must fear that we might hold over their heads the whole "crisis", or throw it in their face, OR that we'll do (again) some of the things we did that drove them crazy or hurt them so badly, etc.

I am confident that she is in the midst of a crisis. In December she said that she wasn't sure why or how her emotions were on such a roller coaster.

Does she take meds or see an IC now?

She mentioned that she was going to seek help, because she was doing nobody any good. Less than a week later she said she didn't want to work on our M and planned on moving out.

Well, she showed some insight...and then REacted on emotion. I'm still hopeful she'll get some help and get clarity. Doesn't mean she'll return OR that you'll want that, but it's got to be better for the kids to have a healthy mom.

Coincidently her mom came to visit for the holidays and apparently told her nothing is wrong with her. Great, the enabling MIL shedding her infinite wisdom.

Well that's interesting timing...MIL visits and then your w crumbles? I GUESS it's not relevant now, but it sure is striking. I forgot your MIL's exact history but from the sounds of it, she's not exactly supportive of marriage and or you. OR she thinks "blood is thicker than..." and to SOME folks that means a carte blanche for any family member. I never do get that. if one of my kids wanted to break a vow, I'll be listening hard for some darn good reasons and LOTS of "LRT" before they walk out...and though I won't "disown" them for it, they'll know that i'd see them differently forever.

Sorry LITB, but Your mil's presence and the timing of your w's wanting to go, again, strikes a nerve in me.

FWIW, when h left for the "Last Frontier" (no sarcasm intended), my mil called our kids to chat with them, exactly zero times...(over two YEARS.)

The idea of her having the discomfort of having to talk to ME, to get to her only grandchildren, greatly outweighed her desire to talk to them.

FTR, I'd never have said a word about h to her at all. I wanted them to interact, (although not at my expense. I know for a fact she bad mouthed me to MY kids.)

Now it's too late, b/c mil died & is gone, and it's over.



This week I am down in SoCal with my kids visiting Disneyland and earlier this week we went to SeaWorld. I am back to trying to focus on myself and my children.

LITB, I hope the clarity of your position at this point, is something that brings you comfort.

Because, you have no healthy alternative to what you're doing; i.e., making you & the kids your focus.

Maybe you really do have to release your w to her journey, her "mission"...and we can hope/pray she makes it alright, without too much lasting damage.

Again, what's the healthy alternative?



As for my thoughts on my sitch, I am about at the end of my rope. I've done everything that I know how to do and was willing to do anything else to keep my M and family intact. My thoughts have been quite consistent for about a month to let my W know that I am done. Obviously I know things change, so I want to take my time with this step.

I hear you and I get this^^^...you're smart to remember the last line too...take your time with this step, of all steps.

And IF the chance of a recon ever comes up again, you'll do some things differently. And if not, you'll be that much farther along, on your own journey, that much faster...

As an aside, I wish logistics would have allowed us to take things slower when we agreed to reconcile. Ah well, live and learn.

Amen...and again LITB, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I hope you are comforted by knowing that you truly did DB, you did Retrovaille, you changed. You are a better father, a better man, and will be a better h to someone, someday...I don't know what else you could do that you did not. I literally don't so if you have some option we/you have overlooked, let us know so we can hash it out.

For now, what's up with the custodial plans? Will you do ANYTHING differently this time? (Don't assume her comments about your behavior pursuing the kids, was completely wrong or only motivated by self interests. I mean, at least look inward to make sure you're doing what's best for THEM, first. "Winning" in this scenario is all about damage control for the kids...

there is no Charlie Sheen form of "WINNING!" in these situations. But YOU can be happy again, and will be, and so will the kids.

I'd urge you to read the thread with my name in it (not sure it's "my" thread but my screen name is on it). In there, I discuss some recent discoveries I made about my children's feelings for h, especially my youngest d. She deeply resents h, even though we've reconciled.


It's as if I thought Retrovaille's effect had filtered down to the kids, but alas, they did not attend Retro, just h and I did.

(I know it seems obvious now, but back then, I assumed whatever we did to stay intact as a family, was something all the kids would be on board with). They missed h when he left....at least at first.

Thank God I have no regrets about bad mouthing H, (TO THEM b/c God knows I did here)

so the negatives they have of him are theirs, not mine projected.

LITB, Protect yourself but remember to protect their hearts, most of all.

These changes you made, this work, your efforts, all these ^^ things, make all the difference. They matter.

BTW I see you as a success story here. You know, It's NOT all about staying married...

This process, this thing we call 'growth through pain' and Div Busting, is about the hard, brave, scary work of digging deep within ourselves, when we are hurt most.

It's about forgiving way more than we ever thought we could,
recommitting more than we ever thought we would,
choosing to love more than we ever thought we SHOULD...
and growing into our best selves - b/c we were forged like steel,

forged steel is forged into one of the strongest of metals, in heat and cold. Like that metal, we are forged by the heat of hot tempers, washed in the cold "water" of a detached distanced spouse's treatment... we survive, we thrive.

(How's that metaphor working? )

Keep us posted. The "and LATER ON..." stories are very important for all of us to grow with/from.

It's late and I'm rambling. But take care LITB, and again, let us know what's up with you & yours.