25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

thanks for the support Adinva.

At EE, I planned to work on the issue of what our role is in families, w/conflicts between our spouses and kids, (regardless of past marital issues really). I planned to struggle with that and how their conflicts affect my marital feelings and my parental feelings.

In the past, parental concerns brought us together, they did not divide us.

But after seeing my mom's condition (vascular dementia) worsening, on my way to the workshop, I put her at the top of my "To Do" list to work on.

I Do think my h is trying hard. At times I feel he misses an obvious chance to "get it" but then I wonder, "is he turning away from the truth or does he really not get this?"

For instance, SOME of what d15 says about men and marriage CLEARLY are derived from and or aimed at h, imo.

But it's lost on h...at times, I wonder if that is good...

2 things left to say for now.

YES I do refer them to each other. H's reaction is "we're the parents and I need your feedback to know if I'm on track".

I usually agree with this^^ reasoning.

OTOH when the kids complain about h, I refer them to him and they get mad.

They'll say "No way. Dad won't listen to ME/US and you have to handle him."

Recently my son asked me "why do you love him?" (That killed me).

First, I answered him rather fully. Then I asked him if he loves his dad. He said "yes, he's my dad, but I don't feel close to him much and if it weren't for you here, the family would not be together."

So I really need to navigate that. BTW, this is NEW to me. S25 did not say things like this before. He supported us going to Retrovaille and wanted us to reconcile.

So I'm not sure how much is him being on his own for 8 years, then living with us for 5 months and being a bull in another bull's ring, and how much is what he is seeing and reacting to. There are testosterone dimensions to some of their interactions.

The other thing you said I totally agree with, is that letting your kids see conflict is FINE, but IF, and only if,

you let them see you work that conflict through...

or at least let them know HOW you did it if you do it in private.
Otherwise all they see is the conflict part.

IF they see you together acting as if, later on, our kids would wonder what the heck happened that you worked it all out.

I think my kids used to assume we had sex in the bedroom, when really we were talking things out, then coming out of the room with our "solution."

Live and learn.