25yearsmlc

[adinva]

I read your responses and got a lot from your additional thoughts about your D15 and my S15. I think your D is going to be fine, because you are very in tune with her and your relationship sounds very open and unencumbered, your whole family appears to understand and not be afraid of getting outside help, and your H seems like he really is trying. His well might be different or not so deep as D15 would like.

The only real issue I saw in all your posts was how the role you're taking in it as a coparent is affecting you.

I'm torn by the constant need to defend the kids to h, and h to the kids. Please Note, they involve me in their complaints and disputes!

Sounds like they could all use more talking to each other. I wonder if you might try, when H is saying stuff about the kids that makes you want to defend them, ask him if he's discussed this with them and would he consider it, and maybe you could facilitate or participate in such a discussion. Similarly when the kids say stuff to you about H that you feel a need to defend H over, what if you suggested that they share that thought with their dad and maybe talk it out?

It sounds hard or impossible, but it would be better than you in the middle trying to fix all their opinions of each other.

Your D15 sounds like a challenging spirited kid. I love kids like that! I think that respecting her right to her own perceptions and being a safe place to discuss them, basically treating her in an adult way, is going to mean a lot to her in the long term.

It's too bad kids seem to have an innate allergy to helpful adults, because my boys really didn't much like counseling. I wonder if your D15 would talk with someone.

I also thought, I wonder what your D15 would say if you explored what she sees as the choices. If she had it to do herself, would she choose being physically there for her family over the financial security of a military career and retirement? Does she see physical presence as the most important way of demonstrating love or does she see and value other ways that her dad shows he loves her?

At our kids' ages I think showing them how adults navigate conflict is really important (ok my IC told me that), more important than hiding conflict from the kids. Conflict is real and it's a part of every single inter-personal relationship. The kids are learning their skills from watching you.