Hhhmmm!!! I must admit that I have been stuck in a victim role here. I know some of my actions hurt my wife and I know I have room to grow. I also know that my wife has hurt me with her words and actions as well. I have failed myself in TRULY understanding her pain and letting go of my hurts. Has this affected my relationship after BD??? Hard to tell as we have only had a few conversations and I'm sure my attitude came through. The longer she ignored me the more my resentment and pain of abandonment grew. I am now a more humble man, I cannot undue the years that we both communicated in an unhealthy way. All I can do is to truly humble my myself before God and forgive myself and my wife. I have found a group of Christian men and meet with them regularly where I can finally be honest about my fears thoughts and behavior. I can bear my soul without feeling looked down upon or that they will use this information against me. I feel really free that I can be me before God and other men. I think, no I know, that I will be able to heal, I mean really heal and then I'll be able to work on the things in my life that need tweaking.

I have to apologize to everyone as I put on a false front of "working" on me while still blaming my wife and playing the victim. This admission is for me, to free my soul and humble myself before you. Now the real work begins, as I am finally ready to be the man I want to be.

You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.