Well... it's over my W is going down to file for divorce this week and I am tired, very very tired. I'm tired of hurting and crying. Tired of her lieing about everything. Tired of feeling worn out, like I was beat up and drug through a knot hole backwards.
So sorry to hear this. Based on what you describe above it seems pretty clear that you've been unable to detach so far. It's really important that you detach to rebuild your self-esteem, pride and PMA. You are valuable and you are a great person, but you're having trouble seeing it right now because of your sitch. Michele says in DR that it's important to remember that this person you are right now is not the real you, it's a person that is sad/ angry/ depressed/ in pain due to your sitch. So try and detach so you can find the real you again.
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Time to regroup again, focus on me and my children. Learning, growing, becoming a better Dad is my objective at this point.
That's good, but don't forget to include YOU time too. I think a lot of us feel guilty about spending time for just us, we feel like we're being selfish. But in some of the books I read the point was constantly being made that if we neglect that "us" time then we can't become fully independent and self-sufficient and content in life. When I finally said "screw selfishness, I'm going to start enjoying myself" that's when I finally started appreciating life again. It's not just about being the perfect parent or perfect employee or perfect spouse, it's about having FUN too! And you can't be perfect at anything if you're not also enjoying life.
So sorry to hear this. Based on what you describe above it seems pretty clear that you've been unable to detach so far. It's really important that you detach to rebuild your self-esteem, pride and PMA. You are valuable and you are a great person, but you're having trouble seeing it right now because of your sitch. Michele says in DR that it's important to remember that this person you are right now is not the real you, it's a person that is sad/ angry/ depressed/ in pain due to your sitch. So try and detach so you can find the real you again.
Thank you AS, yes I have not completely detached. However I am in a much better place than I was a few months ago. I feel like I cannot trust her anymore after all that has been said to me. I think mainly there is fear of the future, I feel like I'm staring into a dark pit. I need to set a course of action and get to it.
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That's good, but don't forget to include YOU time too. I think a lot of us feel guilty about spending time for just us, we feel like we're being selfish. But in some of the books I read the point was constantly being made that if we neglect that "us" time then we can't become fully independent and self-sufficient and content in life. When I finally said "screw selfishness, I'm going to start enjoying myself" that's when I finally started appreciating life again. It's not just about being the perfect parent or perfect employee or perfect spouse, it's about having FUN too! And you can't be perfect at anything if you're not also enjoying life.
Perfection is overrated, If we are doing anything we are making mistakes. It's what we do after the mistake that counts. Your right I need some me time and I'm going to Alaska this summer for me nephew's wedding and as his bachelor party he has set up a two day fishing excursion. I thought about not going but... AS you changed my mind. It's time for a little me time lol. I also am going to purchase a motorcycle, probably a Honda as they are a lot cheaper than a Harley, I'll trade up to a Harley when I have more discretionary money.
Thank you bug, ruby and SD your support means a lot. SD we need to go bird watching together some time lol, I'm still living vicariously through you.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
We get to learn, if we acknowledge the mistake to begin with. How amazing is it that we get this ability to learn and forgive if we choose? Not only about forgiving others but ourselves as well.
I am in this place, which is not so bad, all things considered, because of every decision, every choice and every mistake I made. I have loved and laughed and have children I adore.
At the end of the day, the scale always weighs in my favour. It does in yours too
Subguy, Glad that you changed your mind and are going to Alaska. Something fun to look forward to always helps. Plus that is a "YOU" activity. You can create the light to find your way out of the dark pit. Use your children as motivators for you. Also, how is the elderly neighbor and dinner going? I was reading a fitness mag last night and saw a Beast Body ad, made me think of you. Have you started? What so you think?
SD, Hey, you may have been in my neighborhood, depending on what part of the OH river.
Subguy, I'm sorry about your W filing. Yes, you need to detach, but also give yourself time to go through the emotions. Your W will eventually realize the mistake she is making. ((((((((((()))))))))))
Hhhmmm!!! I must admit that I have been stuck in a victim role here. I know some of my actions hurt my wife and I know I have room to grow. I also know that my wife has hurt me with her words and actions as well. I have failed myself in TRULY understanding her pain and letting go of my hurts. Has this affected my relationship after BD??? Hard to tell as we have only had a few conversations and I'm sure my attitude came through. The longer she ignored me the more my resentment and pain of abandonment grew. I am now a more humble man, I cannot undue the years that we both communicated in an unhealthy way. All I can do is to truly humble my myself before God and forgive myself and my wife. I have found a group of Christian men and meet with them regularly where I can finally be honest about my fears thoughts and behavior. I can bear my soul without feeling looked down upon or that they will use this information against me. I feel really free that I can be me before God and other men. I think, no I know, that I will be able to heal, I mean really heal and then I'll be able to work on the things in my life that need tweaking.
I have to apologize to everyone as I put on a false front of "working" on me while still blaming my wife and playing the victim. This admission is for me, to free my soul and humble myself before you. Now the real work begins, as I am finally ready to be the man I want to be.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
