Diving in with my eyes closed

[2chiquitos]

Thank you Starsky,
Your 2x4 have made me think a lot, a lot and I appreciate that.

Journaling

IC kept probing me about the letter to OW. If you recall, H wanted me to ask my dad for money but I would only do it if I knew he was no longer in a relationship with OW.

From IC session I learned that I would rather build up my anxiety and ask for the letter than talk to H about how inappropriate it is for him to ask me to ask my dad for money. I do not see that as an option and would rather limit myself (more) than ask my dad for money.

Why didn't I just tell H that? I realize that I go to extremes and this is one of them. Before I wouldn't compromise, AT ALL. It was my way, regardless! Now I compromise in all situations. Even when I don't agree. Therefore, I need to find balance.

As far as the letter to OW. IC said that LBS' tend to blame the affair/OP when it's not relevant to certain topics. My experience with the money was an example. I do believe I did not address the letter at the right time or in the manner I would've preferred. I would've rather done this in the evening, in person, after we had talked about reconciling and what that means to both of us. Instead I started the conversation with no warning and I was shaking and stuttering as I spoke over the phone.

She also said that H has NOT demonstrated he wants to fully reconcile. If and when he says he wants to come back home, then I should ask for the letter. For now, I need to continue on with my own life and let him be. She recommends we see MC since we both have different interpretations as to what are the first steps in reconciling. She thinks he needs to hear it from MC than me. I agree.

She also said that he is not showing signs of reconciling if he is not willing to move back in due to my triggers. He is still not willing to accept the responsibilities of his actions. He also needs to hear the MC say this since his IC is telling him something else. My IC believes he is painting me as this frantic raving mad person and not disclosing all the progress I've made.

It was a lot to take in but I feel so much better now. I was very very confused and wanted to take total control of the situation. And I was getting very hurt and frustrated because he wasn't budging.

So Fri I'll let him know that I think we should see MC and I continue to work on letting go of the rope.

Does this mean I leave the piecing forum??? :-(