Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

kml, I've been thinking a lot about what you said. I've looked up that book on Amazon and it has some really great reviews. I'm wondering if it would be applicable as part of the pursuer/distancer concept too. My H has been the distancer. The issues that are happening now, I can see that they started growing over the last few years, but not over the whole marriage. I wasn't completely blind to them at the time, but would attribute them to other things, like his job or that he hasn't visited his family in a long time. I would then take steps to solve these problems. But I too was growing frustrated with all I was doing, all I was doing for him and nothing was coming back. I can understand now that this could have made him feel useless and like a failure. I was resentful and annoyed by him being overly affectionate, because I felt like it was always about him and his needs and never about me, even when I told him things I liked/didn't like. I felt unappreciated and taken for granted. That then would make him more avoidant, I'm sure. He wouldn't take initiative because he said I could do it better. This was really annoying to me. I felt like he was pushing me into the role of being his mom and I didn't want to. Even wanting me to decide what he should order at a restaurant.

I have felt this dynamic growing as I've become more confident and successful. I have this personality that pushes things to the max. I will tell people I can do things, and then figure out how to do them.

Last June when I asked H what was wrong and he said he was depressed, he said that he can't live up the expectations I have for myself, and he feels like I hold him to that same level of expectations. I was just tired of feeling like all responsibility and decisions were on me. I didn't feel like I had any high expectations of him. I just wanted him to be more involved with the kids, to take the initiative with me sometimes for date nights or whatever, be involved with what was going on with the finances. I know he did do things and I was not as encouraging or appreciative as I should have been.