Same Old Wagon Wheel Part 9

[25yearsmlc]

Yes I did almost talk myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of going again even after paying for airfare,hotel,workshop etc. I almost talked myself out of it again the week before because W and I were getting along so well. I almost talked myself out of it the day of because I put my dog down 1 hour before my flight and a huge blizzard was hitting my area.

those^^ are not bad reasons for hesitation. I'm just so glad SHE supported you in your work, which you made the most of.

I didn't. I went. I got over inertia and did it. I had extreme anxiety mid way through the workshop and leaned on 25 while i was there for support.

You have to get to a point where you take care of yourself.


YES^^^!!!...it's NOT "selfish" to get healthy. It's hard brave work. Plus, coming back as a whole person after the completed workshop, a man who worked on his "stuff", is far better for the marriage in the long run, than quitting halfway, unfinished, and going home out of fear.


I did thank my W for watching the kids through a very long trapped weekend in the house. It wasn't easy on her. I had extreme guilt leaving her under the weather and dog conditions.

To be honest things were a little better before me leaving. Not that they are bad now. but things leveled off after I got home. Maybe the honeymoon phase wore off

or maybe she's a tad put off (or just sad) by the dog getting put down and having 3.5 days in a blizzard with 2 kids...maybe that is enough to want to slap SOMEONE (but you're too centered and peaceful now for her to slap )

OR maybe she's wondering what's up with the EE group of friends she has not met, who seem awfully close to you (or a number of other issues we've touched on).

I know my h was uncomfortable with my "new workshop friends" with whom I'd shared a great deal about me. I felt very close to them. H seemed uncomfortable and he was that way until he went to EE himself (but that was months later).

I felt much better about myself as a woman. I was pregnant at the time I went, and I had some issues of not feeling attractive. But I learned to see myself as womanly and beautiful EVEN while pregnant, etc.

Also, I expressed my love/appreciation for h a lot more than I had before EE.

So He could not dislike the results even if he wondered about me connecting with other people.


BUT now, PON has another dilemma many DBers have faced.

His WAS seems to want back into the m, and she ACTS like it, but does not say it.

VERSUS

The WAS who SAYS they want back into the m, but they only say it with words, not actions.

If we HAD to choose between either words or actions from a walkaway spouse, I know we'd all choose actions over words. But we WANT both...

At some point we may NEED both, or Not...

maybe we can learn to RECEIVE the love in the language it's given us, rather than insisting that it be wrapped "our way."

I'm not saying our spouses should not learn our love languages AND to TRY to give us love in our ways...but I am saying it's nuts to turn away from the love they do give us in THEIR way. What a waste!

For some folks, giving love in a "foreign" language is really hard. They literally don't know how.


Don't we have a duty to VALUE the way our spouses give us their love?


Modelling for them what we want, but not turning away from the love they send us.

I make sure to try (but I fail sometimes) to model for my h what talking in HIS love language is like...

sometimes I feel embarassed, b/c it's sort of manipulative. Like, "Hey H, here I am - giving you love in YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE...(hint hint...)"

but then there are days I say "25, Just take what you can get!"