Righting my Marital ship; 1st stop: Retrouvaille

[angel61]

LITB,

You know, the same thing happened to us. My H and I went to retrouvaille in November, it was a very emotional time, I could see H's committment to working on the M. Come April/May, we were in trouble again. H had pulled back, big time, was again talking about leaving, about things not working out, about not feeling anything, etc.

You know, I think that once the momentum from retro goes away, the couple is once again left with ...reality.

That is why they say that there should be NO expectations... because nothing could really bring back that "in love" feeling, that excitement that a new relationship feels. I think that is what your W is looking for, and that was what my H was looking for. But that is not what true love is, right? I think retro has gotten it right there, and a lot of it is really in the mind. But I don't think that the wayward spouses get it , at that point.

In a way, it is a withdrawal from the intensity of the emotions that they felt before they fell back to earth with a thud. Its true that maybe the OP's no longer are there, or have gone on, but they are now feeling that void.

My H at that point said to me that it wasn't the OW, it was just that he wanted to be happy and he realized that he still wasn't happy with me. He felt I was pressuring, and expecting.

I just stuck it out, and let him be. I dropped all my activities towards M bilding. No R talk, no reading of Love Dare, no praying together, no dialogue. I just thought to myself, what will be, will be. I'm tired, Ive tried, thats it.

In the end he stayed and without talking about it anymore at this point (we didn't even dialogue anymore after that), our R took a turn for the better. I applied the principles of retro, zipped it up, just gave my unconditional love without pursuing or begging....then we started volunteering for Retro, it gave us something to work on together.

In the end, I think that as life gets back to normal, they start recognizing that is how life really is supposed to be - the daily grind, the kids giving you trouble, an argument here and there.....and they no longer become reasons to leave.

I see my H appreciating the things we have together. Just a baby step at a time, and its been more than a year now since retro. We are not a lovey couple at all, and we still have a long way to go. I haven't heard ILY yet. But he did celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary, and he does talk about our retirement together, so I guess he is not thinking of going away.

Let her be, she has a lot to process. I think it might be more straightforward for men, women usually have convoluted minds. I hope and pray though that she thinks about it well and clearly. Give her her space, don't discuss, but don't be the first one to walk away, let her be the one to do that if she wishes.

Patience. Piecing is hard!