Served

[dorightman]

I agree ng, and I'm happy to report that we had a nice conversation tonight about our R. It was unemotional, rational, mature.

I validated her and she softened a lot.
There was no talk of D. She spoke about a restructuring of our family. Not what I want because I know it means D, but I feel like if we're not in a tug of war and we communicate calmly like friends, it does make me feel there is a little hope left.

[dorightman]

I just realized that my last post is contradictory. "There was no talk of D. She spoke about a restructuring of our family."

I waver in and out of denial.....

I spoke with DB coach and she said I need to move out, get my own place and develop a friendship with W. She also said I need to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because everything I've done so far has been a cheeseless tunnel. She said I need to create a new dynamic.
She also said there was hope in her letter and that because she took the time to write it, it means I still have a chance.

W's cousin reached out to me today , I'm, debating whether to speak to him or not. I'm afraid I'll say things I may regret later.

Still having a hard time detaching, seeing her and being in my home is painful for me. I spent the weekend at home to be with the kids and there was no fighting.
After I put the kids to bed, I left the house. Told W I was respecting her wish for time & space. She said I could stay at house if I continued to be mellow, but DB coach said not to stay at the house anymore so W couldn't accuse me of not giving T&S.

[MrBond]

So do you plan to move? How have you been in terms of your personal IC?

[Grizz]

I agree that it is very hard to detach when you are in the same house. W and I are still in the same bed, talk about hard to detach.

[dorightman]

I'am looking for an apt near by so I can coparent. I'am seeing IC every week, he is really helping me a lot. I need distance from W to detach. The hardest part of all of this is having to see w and talk to W. I'am spending nights at a friends house and going "home" in the day when W is at work.
I have realized that all the men in her family are treated as second class by the women. I'm not interested in being treated that way.

[MrBond]

"I need distance from W to detach."

For you it is probably for the best.

"The hardest part of all of this is having to see w and talk to W."

This has been your problem from the beginning. You are going to have to learn some serious coping solutions.

"I have realized that all the men in her family are treated as second class by the women. I'm not interested in being treated that way."

Okay you can stop all that drama queen stuff right there. She had good reason go act the way she did ESPECIALLY when you started acting psycho on her. She treated you well in the beginning and she detailed it VERY clearly. You just ignored it. Then when she stopped doing what you wanted or expected, you went nuts and did things that would scare anyone.

[dorightman]

I agree Bond, I agree....

[dorightman]

Yesterday my w called after work. She wanted to know my plans for the evening. I told her I had to work for a few hours. I was t going to be home when she got back from picking up kids from school, but she kind of insisted I was there to see kids before I left. I have been trying to have as little contact as possible lately, for my own detachment.

I hung w them for 10 minutes, gave my kids kisses goodbye and left.
I was planning on going to friends to sleep after working.

W texted me an hour later that she was going out to eat with kids and friends and that she would bring back leftovers for me, assuming I would be at the house.
I texted back that I wouldn't be there as I was trying to honor her request for time & space. Her response, "ok."

Do you guys think this new approach is good? I'am hoping it will help me to detach by not seeing w as much, and also hoping w will miss me at some point.

A friend told me to go on a date and tell her casually one night when she wants me around that I have plans , a date to go to. Not sure if this is a good idea?
Friend said "you don't have to do anything, just go on date and let her know So she sees your moving on" She thought that might make her want me back, but I feel like she would just think "ok, I guess it's cool to start dating men now"

All seems a little childish to me.

[adinva]

You can honor her request for time and space without saying that you're doing that, you could just say no thanks I won't be at the house then. You can be out for the evening without saying what you're doing. And going on a date for you seems like a terrible idea, doesn't even sound like you want to do that.

[azguy]

Hi DRM,

A lot of your situation sounds familiar to me. My W moved out last spring. I pleaded with her to stay, approached her in a way that just made things worse, and eventually got into IC. I wish you well in your journey. I know the pain you're going through. The advice you're getting here sounds spot on, to me.

One suggestion I'd make is to be as consistent and positive as you can be. You mention emotional breakdowns and going back and forth on decisions. I can say from experience that this will only drive her further away. If you can calmly stick with a decision (moveout/stay, allow divorce to proceed/request some time) it will help.