She says she loves me. I know I'm not supposed to say it to her, but do I say it back? I have been because she seems hurt if I don't.
Personally I think it's OK to reply if she's saying it to you. The DB 180 tips say not to, but the idea there is that most WAS's quit saying they love you, so if you say it to them you're putting pressure on them. IE- you're saying "you don't love me but I love you and I'm going to keep telling you and reminding you that I love you until you change your mind." But if the WAS is saying ILY then when you say it back you're not contradicting them, so IMO it's OK. Just don't go overboard, like if she says "I love you" don't say "OMG, I love you more than a sunrise over the French Riveria, if my love were a river it would flow all the way around the world 17 times and end in a lake filled with golden fish in a secluded clearing filled with butterflies and daisies!!!!" LOL!
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I don't want to force her to permanently choose because she will probably just leave, but how do I make her see she can't have both of us?
I'm not good at affair advice, but I think you should make it clear to her what your boundaries are. You don't have to kick her out over it, but you should make it clear that you don't see things continuing indefinitely the way they are (IE, with her involved in an A). I think you can express your boundaries without making it sound like an ultimatum if you're not ready for that yet, but it wouldn't hurt to let her know that there may be an ultimatum in the future.
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If I push her away, will she come back.
Detachment isn't about pushing her away, it's about you pulling back and giving her time and space. It's not about being cold and distant (for many people that would be "more of the same" behavior compared to the marriage), it is about being warm and friendly and maintaining PMA while focusing more on yourself rather than your spouse. One of Michele's books mentions that we are to LOVINGLY detach, I think that gives a better picture of it then just saying "detach".
