you're rite and i guess i am bouncing off the walls a bit.
my first inclination is to "judge" my own behavior, etc. i'm do, however, think i'm waaay too hard on me - after all - i'm just another human being and never claimed perfection.
i am getting off now rite after i say hi to dawn - and sewing something (well, within my parameters. tried to do (why i don't know) a cartwheel yesterday to please and entertain this baby and succeeded in jamming the life out of my left thumb - it's pretty painful - W HO WOULD EVER think you use your left thumb soooooo very much???
anyway- had long & sad phone call with my aunt that's got brain tumors this morning- looking at her own end of life- wanting to know fromME WHAT THE heck is up with, wrong with- etc. my mother, her r with my mother- etc. where in the universe to begin. they have their own baggage- my mom has her "things" in life with her siblings (this is only one left alive- and not for all that long sadly) - the aunt is clueless.
she thinks mom dumped on her- oh man- i swear- it's so tragic everyone in the world having their own secret junk that they hold against someone else- whose got her own stuff, etc etc etc.
some days you begin thinking everything is okay today- and before you know it you're immersed in this tragedy of someone elses life that showed up on your phone- in your hand- wanting y our "fixing"..... wtf???
lately- i feeel pulled in too many directions by too many people and like it's my job to understand and care. i am losing that- the ability to care. i'm having trouble dealing with my own emotional junk- holy cow huh??
no answer tho - is there, really. just plug forward- do not explode today- try and get some sleep - tomorrow might be excellent- one hour from now might be excellent.
okay- it's out - i'm back on the rails to somewhere - going to go sew if i can bend this stupid thumb.
xxoo wish me luck- i sure can use it (or something)
but wait- here's my question. after that giant emotional blubberie phone call- i get off and h is pissy because i didn't find out how to reach this aunt. he passed me a note- i was involved and forgot (it was HEAVY conversation) - HE'S unhappy with my answer that we just have to call and let message machine pickup and leave message to call us back. (my understnding of sitch) there (she's living with daughter now)
so- i begin explaining about conversation being incredibly deep and soul wretching- she's dying, etc lots of really really hard stuff to chat about- and i just was following along with her and forgot about asking - in detail...
he gets impatient and mad becasue i'm explaining and the answer he wanted should be one word - our usual thing. he asks - doesn't like answer (usually not brief enough) and there we go. it didn't last long at all-
wtf- he whams out of house- i haven't spoken since either. i mean- now, in this case. must i be one to apologize ? we both think the other guy treats us like a fool - honestly- we both feel and think and say the exact same thing about each other in any given "fight" - almost every time.
how the heck do people ever talk again- wen they can't get past both thinking that the other jerk is treating them like a jerk?
and we both think we're not? - so wtf. either this is completely usual and laughable (tho not so funny here today) or I don't know what?
oh well- my stupid little life at a glance - off to try and do something interessting and follow your advice.
you know- all things being considered he's not being terrible. it's me- when he's not terrible - and merely normal-ish. tho no affection and no Love per se -
that's when it's the worst - it's the wierd sameness - that is not at all the "same" life in this house. does that make sense-
noticing the lack of commaraderie & afrfection that seems soooo obvious when it's quiet around here and no hostilities - just calm but not as pleasant as it was when you knew you liked the guy in the other room a whole lot and he liked you too.
i can stand hostility- i find it hard to bear indifference.
i guess you're probably thinking - yeah-none of us can stand that. it's the final insult - or something.
oh well- going to go get busy again and do something creative- paint some eggs for a easter egg tree for my neice & kids and "get it out" -
that's when it's the worst - it's the wierd sameness - that is not at all the "same" life in this house. does that make sense-
Perfect sense!!! It is what has pushed me over the line of waiting and wanting to going after and searching. He is a cold robot alien in my home who doesn't want to hug me, touch me or kiss me, he is only now looking into my eyes.
It is about intimacy and connectedness, caring, and sharing, and touching, whispers and warmth on a cold night and believing that he cares about my needs. The only need he has truly dedicated himself to without wavering or ever threatening is financial.
Yesterday, H was really out of his shell. He sat at the table all day, laughed at the kids goofy banter, and had a conversation with me. He saw I was about to cook asking if he could help, I came up with some odds and ends for him to do, he made the juice asking me if I want a glass now, I didn't but took his offer.
He laid down on my bed (that in it's self being weird) but before he did that he said "i will come back to the table for dinner" which he did as we were sitting. He ate everything complemented me, cleaned up a little and went back to my bed for an hour nap.
My point is Nero, they are the weirest, strangest, people we will ever know, and it is hardest that is our H's. Sit tight, and get ready for the ride or next stage h is going to take you on...because there definitely is more to come.
just always remember you can get off this ride anytime you want...if not prepare for the ride, its a rocky one.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
ohman- glad to here you confirm and re-confirm my take on this insanity-my part in it- my impatience, etc.
yourh was having nice change yesterday- what does itmean- nothing rite? that's hard too- i know youknow- oh well huh?
i'd give quite alot to just know when it may end - one way or the other. i get tired and really want to just give up on him and run. it seems tooooo much and toooo hard sometimes (yeah-me being a baby and feeling sorry for self-
I SWEAR- I DON't know what the heck i hit to send out posts before i'md one.
anyway- i was totally admitting to being sorry for myself sometimes-no one else is gonna do it- i may as well be self-indulgtent now or then. just feels good to have someone sympathiZe without thinking i'm a needy jerk or judging me.
ta da- you. what the heck do these other guys know anyway about this??? well, except the two gals i know who went trhru it- managed to get h & r back together- i am so surprised and pleased for them- they sure did exacty what mwd said do- but they figured it out on own- smart little them. for one girl they were separated three years - other i don't know time frame- need to call her an hear rest of her "story" . it interests me greatly-
it's amazing what people are doing and living thru that the rest of the world doesn't see - and has no idea about. doesn't pay to be judgementtal does it_ how can we ever ever really know what goes on in people's homes and lives and hearts.
wow !!
okay- going to go get back to my task at hand- actually a rather pleasant day- sorting junk-ola in this work room from hell-making progress so it's not so awful- who knows, if ic an finish i might actually be ready to do something creative and feel good about that - yay.
xxoo thanks as usual for being there and being you !
Nero - i drove to h work tonight, as he works alone, and I told him he has the weekend to get the stuff he wants and move out. He came at me with different stages...first he was angry, walking away, saying he wants nothing.
Then he went into saying he will need half of what he makes...even saying he may not work at all. Next, came his defense about how he can't change back, what do I want, he may find a way out of life then. He went into who will do the dishes, mop the floor, shovel, ect. I said I don't value that as much as I valued him as a person. He said that stuff was important to him. So I said I will do it all.
He finished off by saying what does he do that's so bad it's worth losing all of the above, I said you fill my home with lies, cunningness, disloyalty, and today you spent the day at ea's house never coming home from works his morning. You no longer get to humiliate me, or treat me with such disregard.
My son was having symptoms of an illness and h had his phone off to drink and get high with trash. He felt bad when I told him I couldn't find him but I said not to worry we will learn how to work our way through everything if I have to get on government assistance, that's how much he is not welcome around us as he is.
The screened door is one with a built in windows and a lock w/key, it's locked tight. He get off at 6am and we will see. I guess I'm done! I didn't cry, I didn't waver and I wasn't mean!
He tried to get me food, I said no, he asked If i wanted his soda, I said I don't trust drinking after him, he said he's clean nothing sexual going on. he asked to walk me to my car I said I'm fine, I have to be fine because it has got to be better than being humiliated, and devastated.
I walked away from him and drove the 25mile ride feeling like I did the right thing, no tears. It not him, it's not the man I know, so I just told a a stranger to leave me alone!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
The screened door is one with a built in windows and a lock w/key, it's locked tight. He get off at 6am and we will see. I guess I'm done! I didn't cry, I didn't waver and I wasn't mean!
wow - i hope it all went okay- i'm thinknig about you and it's like 7-ish herein my time zone and i'm wondering how it all went with you. this is huge1-ish. Even if this does not turn out to be the big "it" - becaue he is fiting you over it and doesn't seem to have any intention of letting you go easily - or him leving easily- it's a huge emotion line you've crossed -don't you feel??? to BE ABLE to say it- mean it- and not feel sorry or sad or anything but purpose in facing the aftermath. good luck and well, strength with whtever comes - more of same or bunch of different- who can know?
i'd think it means something BIG that you drove away and didn't feel sick or like crying. i guess you have surely reached some major point in your detachment or progression toward a life without him. even my stupid little noticing last nite that my gut was not shaking with rage seemed like something big to me - to notice the small steps forward - i think they're forweard anyway...-
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He finished off by saying what does he do that's so bad it's worth losing all of the above, I said you fill my home with lies, cunningness, disloyalty, and today you spent the day at ea's house never coming home from works his morning. You no longer get to humiliate me, or treat me with such disregard.
i worry abut the finances alot. never having been totally secure and all "this is mine"in life - - since i haven't worked in quite awhile- but i know a bunch of women who have gone back to work- found something for a job- and DO IT every day. i use them to fortify myself. if these gals can do it- i can too. my sister cindy is really kind of "out there" sometiems - but she's got a job, supports hereself and kids - and just does it- somehow scrapes by. my friend also on next street over- is now divorced from h after at least last three or 4 years of knowing her- and her awful awful depression & journey getting out- has a job, does it- is scraping by- it's doable. i know this- no matter what my fears over poorness.
i keep expecting h any minute H will announce he's going to see ow - rite in my face (with me being here in this stupid stae) - i even wonder if she comes down here to town and h e sees her when saying he's at tennis. it flits thru my mind- i shove it away- do not want to expend the emotion =- i do not know how you manage to deal with it in your face so much- so hard on your heart - soo cruel - i'd probbly be gone. that will be the thing probbly that pushes me over that line and out the door - reason aside - finances aside - just some blinding flash in the brain and my gut hits "override" one day- creepy to "await"...
i sure get the "treated with disrespect and disregard and being humiliated" - this must be what it felt like being a slave and having someone "own" you. eeeeuuuhhhhhwww. and i leave myself here - and i endure it - what makes me dislike him most is that he has become a person that cannot even SEE what that makes ME feel - and doesn't care.
a person with not a shred of empathy . his entertainment overrides allllll his emotions. it's a icky thing to say about anyone- wonder what that does to one's soul- or if you just get up to pearly gates - say , "well, yeah, st. peter - i sort of did get off down a bad road there- and yeah, i may have destroyed the heart of a perfectly good mate that loved me totally- BUT HEY, i'm sorry about that now, so, like could you order me a margurita and a lounge chair at that big pool over there?" and just tra la off to catch some rays?
i don't even know why i think about what "aftermath" will be for him- i guess it's the wondering (always) if this all will ever register in his brain for what it is - will he ever achieve total clarity or be deluded forever. probbly the latter- why in the world would i care - huh? my "illness"here.
IT'S ALL SOOOOOO 'UNTIDY" IN LIFE- this mlc & explosion of emotion and clean up-
oh well- onward and upward. i'll look in laer to see if you have posted about how it all went when h came home.
hope your heart is okay- and you slept okay- hang on
so, - today I hear h talking on phone in other room - locating a dr because his dentist sees something on his tongue he thinks he should go get looked at .
me, i'm the world's biggest chicken in face of cancer - my mortal fear. (dad died of lung cancer when i was 18) sad and bad . had my own brush with it- small melonoma- there is nothing quite as gut wrenching as hearing a dr say it to YOU
. maybe that's why i wake up every monrning of my life since my dad died running at full steam ahead to do what ever it is i can or want to- paint this, sew tht- plant this, busy like nuts - just in case something comes along and wants to take away my life on a moment's notice.
anyway- stomach felt sick- usually only happens when it's thinking bad news for self. good and bad to know and register. glad i don't relaly dislike him enough to want anything like that to happen to him. i wouldn't even like to think of myself being that kind of person.
his fatehr is awaiting results from tests - pancreatitus? cancer? poor man is croaking from the stress. it's soo hard to be butch when it's you in the hot seat. i'd reckon he's sick of people telling him to keep busy adn just wait (with good grace) yeah- everyone has alot of advice when it isn't them. oh well-
life- it's sure a roller coaster. i'm back to grateful to be alive - healthy and sane. this mlc is killin me- but i'm still better than a year or two ago. honestly- i cannot see anything here objectively- i just plug forward and try not to think.
i wonder if it all matters anyway- what we do- who we are??? i'd think not at the end of the day. these mlc'rs are on some course we don't have access to. it's hard to swallow that- i wonder sometimes wtf and why we bother and how we manage.
oh well- i'd guess that about the hardship in everyone's life and i'm pretty sure everyone alive has some.
now tht i'm here- i'v got nothin- sane for the moment.
all of a sudden i'm looking at h against his father- prissy, self righteous, critical- and i'm wondering if his similarity is the mlc - or if he's just becoming that. if life with him or a future wi th him would just be THAT - A REproduction of all the things about his father he hates- does and doesn't see.
holy cow- i'm outta here. guess that is a bad road to venture down.
too relieved abut dawn's sitch - to have anything much to say.
yay huh? one tiny tiny litle "sep" in some direction that looks positive. dare we hope>???
i wonder if it all matters anyway- what we do- who we are??? i'd think not at the end of the day. these mlc'rs are on some course we don't have access to.
Nero, who you are is the most important thing in your life. ''Watch you character for it becomes your destiny''! His MLC has put you on your own journey as well, make the most of it with you in mind! Your journey is not for H, or your R, it is for you, your future, your health and the love for yourself!
Your, doing great no matter how much you want to be down on yourself. Your no dummy, you get it, I get it, we just don't fully except it yet! Time, heals us everyday! We are still moving ahead, and have more to go, don't waste this time. I am writing to you and speaking to myself as well!
Read what you wrote on my post it was very good, very loving, apply it to yourself as well, your just as deserving!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i'm pretty sick of this journey- it's making me "seasick".
today- hearing this not-h chatting to his tennis budy and laughing about being down here and going up to nj for maybe a week (couldja spare it?) and so on- i am struck by his total total disregard for the fact that i might be a human being with feelings inside. he was talking loudly- joking around and for my benefit. eithere he's is cruel and wants to be mean - or is such a dunce that he doesn't get it about people at all in life. i'm thinking the latter - i've seen him before - forever - not aware of what people think and feel. he is so dense he can't imagine that it hurts my feelings or anyone's feelings. POOOOOR HIM- HAD IT SOOOOO BAD AS A KID - THAT NOW, NO ONE GETS TO HAVE ANY FEELINGS IN LIFE BUT HIM- NOOOO ONE EVEEEER HAD IT SO BADLY, ETC.
IT'S SURE AN unflattering lite to look at him in. idk how you hold on and hold on and manage. i swear. i thought of you immediately listening all the time to spew- i hear it practically never - unless i jump in and "go there" - then he goes bonkers.
it's so crappy- i lack the guts and gumption to even want to go there or hear it. just this little bit of uncaring and snotty joking around- hits some chord.
i despair of EVER getting hard enough- maybe that will only eve happen when it's alllll over. and i haven't seen his face in ten years???
oh well huh? not much progress here. hope you're feeling well and things still on a positive (or at least notnegtive) slant.
i hope my character is okay- i have no idea bout that or anything any more. i think i'm the same person- i think i always will be - i think i t's important to have hope and care- i cannot become what he seems to be. i can't admire it- i can barely stand it sometimes - it's soooo self-oriented. hopefully i am not getting wierd or anything- just being who i am to an unappreciative audience. that sure takes a toll doesn't it??? wah wah- not too bad, i'm outta here before i get complaining. maybe i am wasting my time- maybe i've wasted my entire life - who the heck can know?
