New to board-help

[Mtnman]

I was finally able to read jayhawk's thread and am continually surprised at how all these aliens keep picking up the same manuals on their way down here. I've heard many of the same spew and, thanks to situ like his and others, can recognize and see the same behaviors in my W. The guilt, the self pity, the cognitive dissonance, etc.

And, like j, I too struggle with the thought that my being dim/dark is going to cause my W to think I'm ok with her moving forward with D. Additionally, I know my W, same as j's, has put zero thought into what getting the D really means. It is such a teenager mentality. "I know what I want (D), but I'm not willing to put any effort into making it happen. Hey, I bet H ( guest staring in the parent role) will do it for me!'

I've told myself that W treats me like the Wolf in Pulp Fiction. When the crap hits the fan, or as in the movie you blow someone's brains out all over the inside of your car, you need someone to rush in and fix it. I've been doing that for years and did it out of love. And would gladly do it all again. I suppose that's why this is so difficult to deal with for me. At, to date, the time when my W could use me the most, she doesn't want me. I cannot fix this, and it breaks my heart.

Going to keep working on me and taking care of my boys. Signed up today to coach baseball this spring. It'll be nice to get out on the field.