25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

Grizz, you're very welcome.

Cadet - SIDENOTE my mom's dementia is getting worse. Thank God she's physically so dang active. My goal this year is to be with her MORE, as in, a lot more. My older sister is a saint. Mom's dementia now takes on some emotionally difficult aspects. It's not a problem repeating ourselves, we get that. But she has no filters left. So in public, she tells people rude things, and it's mortifying. I expressed my appreciation to my sister when I was there. She's the epitome of kindness and dignity in adversity, and always has been. Even My older sister (the saint) says she needs "more support" from our siblings b/c she is "feeling challenged", which is like me saying I want to kill someone.

ANYHOW, yes I thought about the part re; the mirroring. Is d15 simply verbalizing what SHE thinks I feel?

I can honestly say, my h & I seem TO ME, to be strong as a couple. I feel closer to him than in years, usually.

But I think HE vents to them when he's upset and I told him this past weekend, "that is SO not helping US " or his r's with them. Neither of us can vent ABOUT the other parent, to our children.
It's just not good for them AND it's not good for US as a couple.

Bottom line is that they have not forgiven him for his MLC (and I only use that "MLC" term b/c of ease. I think the label is a distraction). Well at least, the youngest sure hasn't forgiven him AND to her, he's repeating the behavior.

For ME, his reason for being gone during the week now, is a heck of a lot more important to me, and in alignment with my goals, than living in Alaska ever was.

As for me being in denial...it's always possible. IF h weren't looking for a job locally, I'd feel more like he was repeating the past behavior. But he wants a local job that allows for the pension (He had 17 years of active duty service they count towards it).

And if h really does go off on them when I'm not around (i was out of town last weekend) then that's a problem.

According to the KIDS, while I was gone, there was a "blow out and d15 almost ran away", although H did not yell. (To me that means he did not "lose it", and that counts for something with a 15 y/o who can be very smart mouthed).

But According to H, there was "a really productive talk" between him and the youngest.

Interesting dichotomy. Who is right? Can it be that they both are?

I think the ONE MC we went to years ago, who was actually helpful, (for one thing, he liked me AND h, and that really helps) would be a good source of family mediation.

I think I'll call him for a "family session".

I also think encouraging h to spend some one on one time with the kids, even if it "feels awkward" to the d's, cannot hurt. OVER TIME, they'll be less awkward.

If it turns into a b1tch session, they'll obviously end them.

H said he'd go back to the workshop we attended many years ago. ("Essential Experience", aka "EE". I don't mean to sound like a salesman so I apologize for seeming to promote it. I am not a recruiter for it, just a big fan.)

When I was in my late 20s, I went to EE, and then H went b/c of the changes he saw in me. We got a lot out of EE and it brought us very close. After doing it separately, as participants, we returned to do it together as "team members", which means helping the new participants.

(Without the EE experience, I doubt I'd have been motivated to use the DB techniques. It's just that I knew we'd once been genuine soul mates.)

Anyhow, I went there last weekend and did "team" and I felt rejuvenated.
H texted me at the time, that he "wished [he] had gone too", and I agreed. The next one is in May so I'm hoping we'll go together to it. We also want our adult children to do it, when they're ready for taking charge of their lives.

The EE exercises & supportive atmospherre really got us past the outer layers of anger and fear and past hurts, and it helps us connect at a profoundly deeper level. If we don't go in May, we can go in August, (only b/c it's on our anniversary, which is weirldy cool.) BTW, I did team for EE in my 30s and 40s and now, as a 50 something-er.

EACH time I went, I felt I was "in transition", so I now realize, we always are in transition! As they say, the only constant is change.

ALSO, fyi

H returned from his overseas deployment NOT the same. He has some anger and he now questions the role of organized religion b/c of the theocracy he saw as a problem. I feel as if he's throwing out the baby with the bath water, but that's another issue to address later.

Though he's not consciously angry at US, sometimes it feels that way. I sympathize b/c I was active duty in the first Gulf War and I met some torture victims from the Saddam Hussein regime. It was a pivotal experience for me.

My h saw pretty crazy stuff, acts of barbarity he still cannot fathom.

For example, the Afghani interpreter for the surgery department asked for asylum for his family, b/c the Taliban harassed him for "aiding" the Americans, (who were all medical personnel giving free care to the locals.) The surgery department agreed to help.

But the very next night, the interpreter brought in his 5 y/o daughter. The Taliban had put her little feet into a fire, (to punish him for helping Americans & to make an example of him). The little girl's feet had to be amputated. My h did the anesthesia for her. Nothing was released to the public about the event. That also infuriated him. So he is angry about a number of things.

I think I'll call the Vet's Admin b/c they finally sent us a letter about debriefing. We are not near a base, so finding support anywhere near us, is VERY hard.
Being active duty (which we are not now) had the advantage of living near people who totally got it, and who were sharing with us in the sacrifice.

ANYHOW, there are a ton of different things and one thing I've recently realized also, is that life always gives us challenges. We're never "all there now".

You can reconcile and the marriage can last and be restored, but your parents will still get sick or die, your kids will still have their own challenges, and you still have to take care of your health and finances...

I think MAYBE we focus so much on restoring the marriage, that we forget other stuff still comes up.

Thanks for the input. I welcome it.