I need to stop focusing on the “why” and think how can continue to improve the situation now. I guess it gets frustrating that myself, friends and family notice a much improved me and she gives no acknowledgement of my change.
I promise you, she notices!!! She may not say anything or acknowledge it, but she notices. My W told me recently that my changes actually made her angry at first. Her thinking was that if it was so easy for me to change into the perfect husband, then why didn't I do it before? She also thought I was just trying to trick her into coming back. It took months before she believed I was changed for good and that I was committed to staying that way regardless of whether we reconcile or not. That's the goal- to make your W realize the changes are a permanent part of a newer, better you.
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I need to understand it will take a lot longer than I would like for her to recognize my changes.
Quite right. And frankly, it won't happen until you get to the point where you're not doing these 180's while watching for a reaction from your W. We all do that at first, we do our 180's and watch closely for our spouse to react in some way. When they don't we're disappointed. But keep at it, at some point you'll continue them because you know it's the right thing to do, you'll drop the expectations. Your 180's become much more successful at that point, because the motivation is coming from a better, more permanent place.
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I am concerned about her feelings but where I don’t see them I assume she is comfortable with the change.
Don't assume anything about a WAS! My W is a master of looking cool, calm and collected on the outside but sometimes she admits that she is confused and in turmoil internally. My W is NOT comfortable about ANY of this!! She told me it all scares the heck out of her. She just mentioned it again a couple of weeks ago. So don't let a calm demeanor fool you, a WAS is rarely comfortable with their choices.
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My view on the selfish thing is that I wont be seeing my children everyday. It will hurt me greatly not to be there when they wake up or the hugs and kisses each night. She will be taking that from me so it will be hard not to be resentful for that.
I don't think that's selfish at all, in fact it's quite noble. What I meant was that when you say she's being selfish because she's doing this at the expense of the feelings of you and your kids, she's not really motivated by selfishness so much as an overwhelming desire to escape what she sees as a poor marriage. She's desperate, not selfish. She knows she's hurting people and it is tearing her up inside.
