Cold Fire

[leopoldstotch]

Turtlegirl yes I have commented on Ed's post frequently and I too have not had any positive steps from my W. Back in Oct I thought I was for D but now today I'm ready for whatever may happen. Yeah I agree it's time for her to make some decision I know I can't go on like this any longer it's not healthy for anyone. Thanks for posting

[AnotherStander]

You'll hear it said often around here that the WAS needs to miss the LBS before they'll consider returning. Certainly that seemed to be the case in my sitch, there was no progress while W was still home but now nearly 4 months after she moved out suddenly she seems to be coming around. She's contacting me more, has started initiating intimate hugs the likes of which we haven't had in 7 months, and SHE signed us up for RetroV. Certainly these are just baby steps on a long road to (hopefully) reconciling, but the point is I truly believe none of it would have happened had she not moved out. I've followed a lot of threads here and it seems like whenever the WAS stays home things just never get out of the limbo that you're experiencing.

[leopoldstotch]

Good to hear from you AS. I agree with you with my W still seeing me everyday doesn't give her a chance to possibly miss me and it's keeping us in limbo. It seems that when we went through this before it was when we were physically seperated for a period of time that that's when things changed. This time I'm ready for whatever may happen be it R or D. I can no longer live in this limbo but I know my W can.

[leopoldstotch]

What a difference a few days make. I decided to talk to my W about what her plans are for moving out and all she says at first is is that she is "working on it". So I told her that I can't live like this anymore and that I would like her to leave by mid Feb. Well I knew that wasn't going to work well as she got became angry and told me that her name is on the mortgage too and that she is still paying bills. I told her that I don't want to be one of those couples who just live like this and she says why not, lots of people do and I said that I'm not one of those people and that it isn't healthy for us to be like this.

My W then proceeds to go right back to the past and says that we haven't gotten along for 25 years, I thought to myself that she is again revising history but did not tell her that. At that point I just told her that I won't continue the conversation when the past is brought up. She then proceeds to ask me if I put one of my supposed friends up to texting her, I had no idea what she was talking about.

This morning she shows me texts from this "friend" about how he has a crush on her and has since the day he met her and that he never liked me and two of our other friends. He was trying to get her to meet up with him but she flat out told him to leave her alone she has enough to deal with. It's unreal how a supposed "friend" tried something like this. Needless to say but I won't be speaking to him at all. This has completely ruinied my day.

[leopoldstotch]

Wow it's been quite some time since I last posted in my thread. Well I've come to a decision that it is time for my W and to D. After being in this sitch for quite some time I can clearly see that my W is perfectly content on living the way we are forever and I'm not. I've made some pretty significant changes and yet I have not seen my W move one inch towards me at all and to this day she still blames me for her unhappiness. Well if there is one thing among the many things I've learned here it's that she is responsible for her own happiness.

Yesterday I contacted a divorce mediator and spoke to her about the process and what to expect and she is going to send an email so my W can read it. The mediator would also like to speak with her before we set up an appointment to come in and get the process started. I had taken down some notes when speaking to the mediator and my W saw them and made no comment. I asked her if she saw the notes and she said she did and the first comment was " I didn't know I was going to a mediator, thanks for making that decision for me". I had to remind her that going to a mediator was her idea in the first place and that if she wanted to go the traditional route then we will. Her next comment was about the cost of it all. "How much will it cost"? I told her that it's unknown because it all depends on how smoothly things go. She then proceeds to say that she doesn't have the money for this to which I tell her that she doesn't have a choice, one way or another this is happening money is no excuse, I cannot live the way we are living anymore. She didn't have anything to say. BTW the whole conversation was ok, no yelling or screaming by either of us, I just thought I'd make that clear.

At this stage I'm waiting on the email for my W to read and then for her to contact the mediator. If she doesn't then I will probably hire the mediator as my L and proceed. Knowing my W she will not contact the mediator because I think my W doesn't believe I can go through with this. Well she is in for a rude awakening.

I'm really at peace with my decision. I don't ever see things changing between us. Perhaps there was to much damage done in the past by both of us and quite frankly with the way she likes to point the finger at me and yes I own my share of mistakes, I don't know if I can ever trust her again if were to R. By that I mean say we did R and if things got rocky again which I'm sure they will since no relationship is perfect, who is to say that she won't want to bail out on me again and that is something I will not allow myself to go through again with her.

So for the moment I wait to see if my contacts the mediator and if not then I proceed without her and my W doesn't have a lot of time because I'm not going to allow her to drag her on this.

[adinva]

Hi Leo: I'm sorry for what you've been going through, but glad that you have clarity and peace of mind at this time. The future is and always was uncertain, so take each moment as it comes but move forward in the way that you need to.

My sitch started just three months before yours, so I know how long this seems to have dragged out and I know the disappointment of seeing no movement in your spouse. I believe when you no longer fear divorce, when you're no longer willing to sell yourself short to avoid it, you will be able to live more fully and not struggle so much.

Best of luck to you.

[ThisDayForward]

it seems to me from briefly reading this thread you really haven't focused on working on yourself. It seems to me your focus is on your W. Do you want to save the M? Honestly do you want to save the M? If you do then work on yourself and don't bother focusing on your W.

[leopoldstotch]

Oh trust me I've been doing nothing but working on myself and no I don't want to save this anymore. I haven't focused on my W in a very very long time. You can't save something that someone doesn't want to save. I'm more than ready for a new life. PON there comes a point in a person's life where they truly know they've given it their all and they can't change the outcome. I'm at that point. I can no longer be held responsible for her unhappiness.

[ThisDayForward]

It took me 3 years to get my M back on track so we have different opinions. Maybe now when you truly let go she will come back to the cage.

What have you done to make yourself a better person in the last year?

[Tallula]

Oh trust me I've been doing nothing but working on myself and no I don't want to save this anymore. I haven't focused on my W in a very very long time. You can't save something that someone doesn't want to save. I'm more than ready for a new life. PON there comes a point in a person's life where they truly know they've given it their all and they can't change the outcome. I'm at that point. I can no longer be held responsible for her unhappiness.

In my darkest hours of my sitch so far, when I was questioning whether I should kick him out, D him, set a boundary, just basically feeling like I was SUPPOSE to do something other than what I was, a wise friend of mine said to me "You don't need to move. You don't NEED to do anything. Lean into the limbo. Live it, until you know you can not do it anymore. And you will know when this time is, and you will not have any question about moving." It seems like you are at that place. Good luck.