Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[Golfgirl1]

Fairy tale? What's wrong with believing in that? I still do...except it's a different version I guess.

[uRworthy]

Beatrice, my friend, beautifully said and I totally agree.

Antonia, I always say, you feel what you feel. No right or wrong way. You will get to where you need to be when you get there.

[AntoniaB]

I have to be honest, when the Jan. 31 was no longer on the calendar, I felt a whole lot different. No tears yesterday, just went to work, got a massage (and made a new friend connection with the MT who is a colleague's very nice wife), came home, split some wood, straightened up my house a bit, chatted with different friends via email, read a book, went to bed at a decent hour. (I'm still battling the flu so I need a lot of sleep).

I did feel profoundly sad that day but don't now, so I think it's as Beatrice said, there are certain days we "need" to feel sad and I guess it's letting that day sort of envelop us in the sadness that lets us go back to normal the rest of the time.

And thanks everyone who wrote supportive things when I was venting, it was very nice and I appreciate the bday wishes.

Now...onto trying to write this article...

[WenikiTiki]

Dear Antonia! Happy Belated Birthday!

This too shall pass......

I hope your flu bug goes away and that on your next adventure you find some fairy tale beginnings!

[AntoniaB]

Alright so some weeks have gone by since I posted. For some reason I felt strongly compelled to contact a guy I met back in Sept. that I had 2 dates with, and then I reconnected with him a few weeks ago and had another date and then tonight had him over for dinner.

So. He's a perfectly nice guy, I really like him, for a million reasons we'd make a great couple and he's relationship-motivated.

What's the problem?

This runs through my head: "You're not XH."

It's 3 years since the breakup of my marriage, 4 years since he exited the marriage emotionally. I'm alone now other than an extended fling for about 3 years. And I can't bring myself to go there. I just can't. Because in my mind, I'm "supposed" to be with my XH.

It doesn't matter that my XH is firmly in a relationship now several years with OW, or that I've changed in a ton of ways. It doesn't matter. All that runs in my head is that he's not XH.

I am doomed, I swear to god. I feel like I'll be single the rest of my life, not because I won't get offers, but because I'll reject them. I'm very sad about this, truly sad.

I've had a banner week professionally, and this guy actually took the time to celebrate it with me. He came for dinner and brought me a gift. He's not even dating me (my rule, no dating) and he's thoughtful and kind. And all my heart can say is "you're not him."

I hate myself right now for sabotaging something that could be really good for me.

[beatrice]

Have you considered the possibility that what you are feeling is very normal. Three years after a long and intense marriage isn't very long.

My own experience is that we go on loving them for a very long time, and it is hard to displace the central position they have held in our emotional landscape. I think we need to grow away from them naturally, helping ourselves by a mix of therapy, and bringing new people and interests into our lives. And letting time work its own alchemy

At some point the train actually does leave the station, but a long and happy marriage is always a part of who we are.

One thing you may be doing (and I could be wrong here) is expecting the new guy to instantly trigger many of the intense feelings you had for your xh. That instant attraction, backed up by a long time together probably will not be replicated in mid life. Then again it might, but not with this guy.

So although very nice, maybe he isn't the guy for you, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE. Caps intended!! We don't have to settle down with every nice person we meet.

As you know from my post, I recently met my xh after nearly three years with virtually no contact (more than 7 years post bomb), and was surprised to find that the feelings I imagined I had for him were nothing like as intense as they used to be. I still have affection for him, but that fierce deep passion? Honestly? Nah. I remember it, but it isn't there any more.

[AJM]

I hate myself right now for sabotaging something that could be really good for me.

Kind of the wrong way of looking at things really. In addition to b's post, which is very spot on, how can you do anything but compare the next person to your ex? How would that be possible? I know, I've been there. Done that. Met some great ladies but needed to meet more. I enjoyed the time with each and I look back and realize how it helped me define a new "normal". By definition of "normal" that makes a lot of sense

Be easy on yourself and realize you're going to compare to what you know for a while. But that's not a bad thing by itself. Instead, enjoy the moment and the person you are sharing it with. See how that goes and realize it may not last long (like a summer breeze, right?) but it's enjoyable and necessary just the same.

Be easier on yourself. Explore and take the time.

AJ

[job]

I understand how you feel. It took me about 4 years to stop comparing others to my xh. What you are experiencing is very normal and you were w/your h a long time.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You are still very "new" to the data arena and it does take time to get over that "hump" of comparing. However, one day you will discover that you aren't doing it any longer and when you do this...you will discover that you will enjoy exploring and meeting new people w/o the comparison to your xh.

Be kind to yourself. I think you are being too hard on yourself and you need to let up a bit. You are a wonderful person and it does take time to heal and move forward.

[beatrice]

OK I am going to be radical here. I think we are, as a society, all very stuck on the idea of coupledom. As a single woman there are many ways in which single women (don't know about men) are casually thought of as sad. I don't think of myself that way, but I pick up the vibe at times. If you put status as single or divorced people actually say things like 'Never mind, I am sure Mr Right is waiting for you'!

Being on your own after a long relationship (and in my case, as many here a happy one), is quite tough. I absolutely knew that I wasn't in any fit state to date. And now I think that I don't want a relationship. I have amazing friends, and a wonderful family. I am not scared of being hurt any more. I just don't think I have the emotional energy for a relationship, nor do I see it as a goal in life any more. I love being independent.

Not saying there is anything wrong with having a relationship as a goal or ambition - for many people, and at certain seasons of our life it is absolutely the right thing, but it isn't the only way to live.
The alt in particular seems to celebrate couples, relationships and togetherness in a very strange way.

If you don't want to date, it isn't the only way to live, as you know. Aloneness isn't the same as loneliness. Solitude is good. And we have so much time for our friends and activities!!

[AntoniaB]

Thank you Beatrice. First of all, that whole "I am sure Mr. Right is waiting for you" or the "Congrats you're in a relationship" response on fb. are the reasons I don't feel I will ever post anything about my relationship status on fb. I am listed as single because you have to put something, but I am not comfortable with the comments people right, like the one you mention, which does imply you are somehow lacking and need to just have hope some day the right guy will come along (and what if he doesnt', should you consider your life as lesser, I don't think so) or the other type of comments I see when people put that they ARE in a relationship. Things like "about time!" or "Oh I'm so glad you deserve this!!!" Those things just bug me and I know I'm in the minority about that but I know you agree with me.

Maybe this is the issue with this man I'm friends with, that I just don't see what is going to be BETTER about my life if I get into a relationship with this person. I enjoy him as a friend, but do I really want to sacrifice time with my other friends, time for myself doing things I enjoy alone, a million other things? I guess the answer is no for now.

I do think there is an expectation, primarily for women, that we be coupled up. Were it right after my divorce, then no, but I do think a fair amount of people think I "should" be in a relationship by now, and I feel like I spend a lot of time defending my choice to remain single because 90% of the time I am very happy and thriving in this lifestyle in a lot of ways. The only people I don't feel I have to defend it to are a few friends who "get it" (most are the single ones) and my immediate family.

You know what it reminds me of? The days in my 30s when I was constantly told "You would make a great mom, you should have kids" when I was choosing not to. I just don't feel men get these kinds of things said to them as much as women and it gets on my nerves.