PF, I'm sorry for your W's behavior. I'm glad you plan to re-read DR. Remember to do things for yourself (and kids) and have no expectations from W.
Detaching and giving a lot of space will do you good. If at all possible don't allow your W to flaunt her happiness in front of you. Don't be present in such situations. You are in same house so maybe not easy to do.
You've got to remember that regardless of the outcome you will have a happy and fulfilling life. Remember to make yourself into the kind of person that only a fool would leave. If things don't work out then it's her loss.
This current version of your W, this one that is not what you married, you don't want that so detach yourself from that.
Regarding an ephiphany, I hope that comes but I believe that it will come after a lot of thought and patience. Which you have done. I know you don't want to hear this but maybe the epiphany is in your statements above ("My wife is a VERY determined individual who has always made it through any crisis in her life by just shutting off her emotions and becoming a "machine""). When you have seen your W just shut off her emotions, have you ever seen her warm back up? Or does she keep going in one direction?
Hey Pathfinder--- first off I just wanted say you are doing a good job but still maybe focusing too much on her..Why did you have to move out of the master bedroom? If this goes further and one of you has to move out of the house--- don't let it be you, she is the one that will need to move out get her own place etc.. and you should not help with that... My W seems to be acting like a college kid again..I saw her the other day and all she had to talk about was playing music and her friends...I noticed that while according to Db I should listen etc...and not make many comments but in reality I just was having a hard time not seeing her as a lost 20 year old..(she is 40)... My point is--- is I see your W a lot like this and it is no good to try analyze it and try to make sense of her behavior... It does not make me feel good and I can't change her to make her love me; so you can't truly GAL when you are thinking about her all the time...now is time for you...Get out there and do something for you...and take care of yourself!
I didn't have to move out. I just did it when she asked me to and after I did, I found I could actually get some sleep. Before I was tossing and turning and just getting nothing. Some nights when it was particularly bad, I wouldn't get a wink of sleep. Although I have moved out of our bedroom, I will not leave our home. If she wishes for a separation, she will have to leave. She has said before that she thinks it should be me who has to leave because all of this is my fault and she doesn't want to look like the responsible party in the breakup of our family.
7720, my wife is behaving exactly like that... a 20 something. It's all about blaring her music without regard to anyone else's feelings. It is also about a fresh new wardrobe and drinking and dancing. She has told me that for fourteen years things have been my way and now it is HER turn.
There really is nothing you can do and I think I have finally come to that conclusion. I really wish she would wake up and snap out of it, but when I look at her history of how she avoids conflict and shuts the door on things and just walks away, I am very aware that she may never do that. In light of this, and the fact that she keeps standing her ground that she doesn't feel any romantic love for me anymore (and that's what she's looking for), I feel I must begin to build a new life for myself without her.
Grateful, I am pretty sure I have always seen her make a head decision and stick with it. I can't remember a time when she changed her mind after she made a formal statement of a decision she has made. Since she has formally told me that she feels nothing for me, I must believe that the road she has chosen and will continue to follow is the road to divorce.
If most WAS's are women and most WAW's follow through and don't rebuild, given my wife's mode of operation, I would say she has nailed the coffin shut and it will remain that way, which is very unfortunate for ALL of us.
I haven't REALLY turned up the LRT before. This time, it's for real for me, because I've had enough. I don't like her the way she is. I love her, but I don't want her the way she has become and I know there are very nice people in this world. I come in contact with them every day. I am NOT giving up. I just think I have finally come to see the stark reality that is before me and our girls.
Lets hope my coach has some good insight and concrete steps for me to follow.
Thank you VERY much for your support. You guys really are great. I wish you weren't here on this forum, but I am thankful for your insight and your kind words.
sorry pathfinder I have had the kids this week so a little so to respond but i will tonight....your thoughts hit home as I have had the same... want the old wife not so sure about this new one...
I've been pretty quiet on the board recently. I have really been using it a lot to vent. I'm not sure that is a good idea. Been actually thinking about asking to have my stuff purged. I don't think it would do us any good if my wife was able to somehow come across what I have written here.
What I am certain of is that I haven't really understood what I have needed to do. I haven't really had a handle on what exactly Michele meant when she would speak of TLR technique. Although I have been in this mess for half a year now, I am still learning what is demanded of me.
BTW, if any of you are considering a DB coach, just bite the bullet and pony up and pay for it. They are very insightful. There is a lot of advice on this forum, not all of which is good, constructive and effective advice. You can actually do more damage to your relationship by following the words of some of us on here.
I have recently started reading the posts by women who were once walk aways. I try to read the posts made by people who have successfully made it through this life event. Sandi2 is one person whose posts I have been reading. It is helpful to read her posts, because she is telling us what to do and what not to do from the WAW's perspective. I encourage you to read her posts. Thanks, Sandy2!
I've been pretty quiet on the board recently. I have really been using it a lot to vent. I'm not sure that is a good idea. Been actually thinking about asking to have my stuff purged. I don't think it would do us any good if my wife was able to somehow come across what I have written here.
If you feel this way why do you continue to post? How is your wife going to find this?
Probably just being paranoid. I felt that if she were to view or read any of Michele's works, she would know of this forum and then could search the forums for stuff written about our situation. Probably a long reach. I have a tendency to over think.
Wife brought up the subject of our relationship yesterday. In a nutshell... nothing new. She doesn't know what she wants to do. Only knows one thing. She's NOT happy.
Been DB'ing my a** off. While she sees changes in me which she admits are good, it still doesn't erase her feelings that she will never be able to get back to feeling "in love" with me.
The new twist is that she says she feels I would handle our divorce better than she. That it would be easier for her to stay in our marriage than to leave, and that she wonders about us staying together as "just friends". What do you guys think of this? I wonder how I can be married to someone I love and not touch her when I find her SO attractive physically. We used to have a VERY good sex life.
Last night, she told me she wonders if we have a foundation we can build on. She feels that what we built on was a common career and awesome sex. The sex was hot right up until this past summer when we crashed. Since November, she literally won't let me touch her.
Part of me says living under the same roof as friends is better than separation. We would have contact and our kids wouldn't experience our divorce. Essentially, I think it would basically be a sexless marriage.
Well... my wife wanted to talk today about our relationship and what we are going to do. It is said here NOT to bring up any talks about the relationship. I spent lots of time today answering questions, accepting blame, acknowledging past failures and expressing my sincere remorse for hurting her.
I also (on the advice of my coach) tried to appeal to her heart. Letting her see that I support her, love her and want her to be happy. He told me not to withdraw. He told me to listen for her hopes and dreams. To look to building connectedness. I listened to her. Today I actually heard her communicate in a way she never has before. She revealed her insecurities. She has NEVER done that before.
She has told me that she doubts absolutely everything. Why did we get married? What was our marriage built on? Was there anything good in our relationship? Was it dis-functional from the start? Did I marry her to fill a need? Did she marry me to fill a need? She told me that she always felt safe and loved with me and that in any previous relationship that she was in, she feels that she always ended it first to avoid being hurt by the other individual.
I had hurt her greatly this past summer when I turned on her and verbally attacked her for her friendship with a guy I suspected was pursuing her. In doing so, I communicated to her that I didn't trust her and I was also critical of her. The damage I did was immense.
She doubts my love for her. She doubts us as a couple. She doubts the ability for us to have a happy future together. She isn't sure of anything. She told me today that she really feels that we would both be better off if we got a divorce and rebuilt our lives separately. She's scared and confused.
I don't know if it was a poor decision, but I expressed what I felt were good things about our relationship. I didn't try to convince her or sell anything to her, but I did acknowledge her fear of more of the same and expressed that I felt I was the same person, but with a different (new) outlook on life.
If this isn't the bomb drop, it's EXTREMELY close to one. It's not been a very good day. I really don't know what to do now. Just trying to calm myself down.
