Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[cat04]

- Trust in the big picture to overcome the details.

Generally, this is a great rule to live by.

H didn't stay at the house but checked in, and did not like what he saw, and again emailed and texted me a continuous stream of complaints. Dogs didn't have water. Stuff on the floor. Cooking utensils not cleaned up. Friends in the house. Chewing tobacco spit bottles. Broken furniture. I didn't let it get to me as much this time, just a little sigh. I let him know I appreciated his checking on things, and helping with the dogs, and explained that I was most interested in S15 being safe and legal, and the mess would be resolved in time, not such a concern to me.

It sounds like your H still feels as if he lives with you and has the right to complain about how YOUR home should be.

H wrote back that the mess was a sign of disrespect. That was enlightening. Now I understand better why he flies off the handle over a sock on the floor. But he's reading disrespect into actions that weren't intended to convey that at all.

In a small way, I can understand what he means. To me, it is also disrespectful for children to not follow the rules.

However, I also know that each person has their own tolerance level to cleanliness and what something means to one person, to another, is nothing.

Those are the types of things that we should look for in any relationship so that "middle ground" can be achieved BEFORE resentments build. I guess that plays into the importance of clear communication. Sorry, just thinking out loud here...

I feel ambivalent because it just solidifies the fact that I'm on all the time and get no breaks from the kids unless I have no choice, like for my work trip, where I flat out needed him or somebody to step in and stay with them.

Part of being a mother. Fair or not.

And you do have a choice. You will just have to find a different support system than the one that we expect to be built in with co-parenting. And your boys are getting older. It gets easier.

And sometimes, you simply have to give yourself permission to have a life. My BF's children are the same age as yours. There was something we wanted to do one Saturday night that we both knew they wouldn't want to participate in. Instead of staying home, like we have done in the past, we had a conversation with them. Told them, this is what we are doing and when. If you want to join un great. If you don't, it is up to you to make plans to be with your friends. Or you will both be staying home that night.

It wasn't the easiest thing for us to do, but it was necessary.

You will figure out what works for you.

I'm also sick of H's brother using my driveway as the airport satellite parking lot.

So, what are you going to do about this?