Soul.Searching my way back (#2)

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, CV and Ruby. I really do feel so much better.
H is not doing so good. He has been calling/ messaging me quite a bit the last two days. He is really down, his in so much financial debt. Majority of it is all new in the last few months. He is having a lot of problems with his job and he feels homeless. I thought he was living at his GD's but apparently he is still living with his Mum. He said it doesn't feel like home. It's been almost three weeks since he last had the kids. He has cried several times on the phone to me in the past two days. Says he doesn't know what he is doing.
He came over again tonight to see them because apparently, he is working 7 days for the next month. Strange thing was, I went out the front, so he could spend time with them, he followed, then they followed.
I went out the back, same thing. Came inside same thing, we ended up all just sitting out the front. He was only here maybe 20 mins/ half an hour.

He hasent changed much really, here he is in so much financial trouble but yet he was showing me all this stuff he brought on eBay! Hmm only cheap things but they all add up. I didn't say anything.

Another strange thing is his memory! I was talking yesterday about D9 having a appointment today, she may end up needing surgery. It's nothing major and she may not even need it but he was crying asking me to call him after the appointment today, so I called,...
Me: Hey, how are you?
H: Good, how are you?
Me: I'm good. Just had D9's appointment,.
H: What appointment?
Me: Her appointment I told you about yesterday.
H: Appointment for what?
Me: her appointment for ..., you asked me to call after she was out.
H: oh yeah,... How did she go?

That's just kinda freaky, I used to put that down to him just not listening to me but he was crying about it yesterday. I think he is depressed pretty badly.

The strange thing is, he hasent pulled me back on to his roller coaster!!! I've got no expectations what so ever. I really wouldn't be surprised if he is back to not talking to me by tomorrow. I know done will say that I am letting him eat his cake but I can't not be there for him, if he needs me. I know I can't help him and I'm not trying to, just being a friend when he needs one, that's all.

It feels so good to be able to talk to him/ be there for him without being down about it.

I really do think I am right where I am supposed to be. I can see now why this had to happen. I'm actually starting to like being single. I like me a whole lot more these days and I love not rushing around all the time. I love feeling free.

I didn't really feel anything for him but I still don't think I really look at him these days. I care about him a lot. I do love him but not in the same way.

I do hope he can sort himself out. It does hurt, knowing how badly he hurts but I know, this is all a result of his own choices in life and I really don't know if he had even learnt any lesions.

I know I have learnt many lesions and continue to do so. It's not about him or me anymore, it about our children.