I finally found out about some of his affairs

[too trusting]

Will your standard of living go down? Yes, for both of you. But is it manageable? I'd guess yes.

Yeah, that's another one of the disadvantages of "just" getting a divorce. Even in the best case, splitting up the household tends to double the expenses; and then there are atty fees. I just wonder about *him* being willing to go through with this just to hang onto his candy jar. It would be so much better for everyone (him, me, our kids – even though they’re grown) if he would just behave the way a good spouse is supposed to behave. The way I behave towards him.

Is there anything he could do w/OWs, short of living openly w/one of them, (and maybe even then) that would make you file for divorce from him?

IF there is, what would that be?

I guess – if I knew for sure that he was continuing to see other women, and if my attempt at “After the LRT” did not motivate him to change. (Right now I don't *know* if he is doing it, I just have a bad feeling, based on some very inconclusive evidence – and I might be wrong.)

The other issue you are focussing on... is that you want to KNOW what's going on. My presumption is not in his favor due to his lousy attitude towards you and poor treatment.

I'd LOVE to think it's his guilt/shame, but I fear it's not that...and I think you fear that too.

yep

while not being kind to you AND being more kind to OWs, which in itself would make me want out...

Well, I don’t know for sure if he is currently seeing OWs. So we might be comparing his current grouchiness to how he behaved *in the past*. But I know from the emails that he spoke to them patiently, kindly, romantically; was always willing to listen to what they had to say. Which means - he's capable of doing it.

But he doesn't have that kind of patience with me. Even if I want to talk to him about a neutral topic (not about what he needs to change, but maybe my opinion on something, or things I have done/am doing) he doesn't always have patience to listen to me. Sometimes he does, but not always. Or if I am upset about something/someone else and need encouragement. Sometimes he can be encouraging, but not always.

And I am always there for him if he wants to talk about something, or needs encouragement, or even if he wants to tell me that he is dissatisfied with something I did/am doing. But if I need to talk to him about things that need to be improved, he says I am "criticizing" him and he gets angry at me for even asking. (And how can we fix things if I am not allowed to talk to him about it?) Even though I never talk in an accusatory way, I always do these things tactfully and diplomatically, like "I wish you would…" Or "I feel…" etc.

I gotta be honest. It would kill me to see him being nicer to OWs who've done nothing for him, than to me, the woman who raised his kids and helped him with the business so much...

Yes, and in my first post I quoted what one of them said. It just burns me up. He says that he never told them anything about me and those negative opinions are only their imagination. Yeah, right...

But I wonder how you can be happy feeling so powerless.

Can you?

No.