25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

I wanted to add something that has come up with our family that I didn't expect.

As h and I pieced towards reconciliation and continued, we took steps towards a full recon. But we seemed to take for granted that our children would agree with all of our choices. Turns out, not so much.

As we faced life's curve balls (which don't stop just b/c you reconcile) like h's mom's terminal illness, we got some new tools at Retrovaille.

That was excellent for us, btw. Things felt STRONG and as good or better than the "old days." Time passed.

Though I felt we were working on things, truth be told, mil's illness and death took a lot of focus off our rebuilding the m.

That's not necessarily bad, (b/c taking the temp of the R at all times really stinks and isn't productive either) but--

In retrospect, I think taking the focus off our r, and putting it onto MIL, caused some processing of things for our children, to be delayed.

Time passed...

Recently I notice our youngest d, now 15, deeply resents h. Mostly for "being gone all the time" and or "so controlling when he's here".

He was deployed to the Middle East and came back at Christmas. D15 adds that time to our sep and his MLC. And he works out of town during the week for reasons that are not clear to her (and those reasons were Not to last this long).

So in her mind, he has racked up a lot of away time. To HER it's a rejection and his misplaced priorities.

I cannot say she is "wrong" b/c that is her perception. But h has pension concerns, which she does not have...which I partly share with my h. NOT fully, but partly. I get where she is coming from and where he is coming from.

When he's home, d15 smirks and rolls her eyes often. WHen he's not home, she bad mouths him to me, and I defend him.

She does not see this as loyal of me, so much as me being "weak", which is NOT what I want for my d's to see or believe about DBing!! She also thinks I'm in "major denial" about h. That is a fav phrase of hers.

Furthermore, the older kids seem to agree with d15's resentment of h, although they see me in a different light & manage their feelings beter. (They "get" DBing way more than d15).

Yes I realize a lot of this is d15 being 15 y/o... some of it is archetype behavior from a text book, I swear. Luckily, she's witty as he!! and her humor helps diffuse things, AT TIMES...but she can be mouthy as heck to h.

She's not very different than I was at that age. But my dad was a raging alcoholic. Compared to what I grew up with and put up with, I'm amazed at her attitude.

Here are my issues/concerns/realizations.

Never mind a reconciliation or a marriage that never rocked. --

What is the role of the co parent when conflict arises between one parent and the kids?

I know it varies with age. Truly young kids need not see conflict or fighting between their parents.

Later on, I think seeing conflict is fine- IF conflict resolution is also witnessed. Otherwise we only teach the crappy part and nothing about solving problems. This IS a solution based approach, remember?

But aside from that, this is what I've come up with so far and I invite other's thoughts.

Assuming the children are old enough...

I'd say it's Not our role to fix things between others. We can't.

We can facilitate, as we would with children's fights and conflicts.

But with the conflicting parent, facilitating won't work well, if everyone isn't on board. That is a goal itself. Getting everyone to agree to work on their r's.

The parent Not in conflict can stand back and let the cards fall where they fall. MAYBE with adult children, that's the path...maybe not. I have a hard time believing we should just let things fall apart but we do have to remember what we actually can help make a difference in, and what we can't.

I think we have a duty to assure our children as best we can, of both parents' love. I don't think that ends with age.

(I'd say that in all cases, really.)

H seems to feel alienated from them when he's one on one. And he IS alienated, And HE created the alienation, I know this.

I'm torn by the constant need to defend the kids to h, and h to the kids.
Please Note, they involve me in their complaints and disputes!

SO Here is what I realized.

When we reconciled, I assumed the forgiveness work I was doing, and the rapprochement H & I experienced, would "filter" down to the kids...

that they'd be on board OF COURSE...

Subconsciously, for me It was as if THEY had gone to Retrovaille with us...made the same breakthroughs, had the same insights and awakenings.

But that isn't a given at all.
How those concerns affect a long term marriage is what I'm discovering.

Other realization:...I can suggest h take each d out to lunch/dinner, one on one, monthly. I believe that would help IF H could handle it. But he resents feeling alienated "for so long" b/c I think he feels he is being punished. I'm mind reading, btw and I concede this.

With the youngest, boundaries are needed to show respect to each parent, regardless of her "opinion" as to his/my/our choices. Seriously, she just has to deal with them. When she's with her dad, she describes it as AWKWARD. Well, okay. I get that. But so what?

Finally, now I wonder if my 91 y/o mother worries about me and my 8 siblings.

Good grief, this does not get easier without conscious effort to let go and let God.


well, enough rambling for now. Suggestions/insights? Any couples out there that resolved conflict between ONE parent and not involving the other?

How did you keep it from affecting the marital relationship? How do you defend without looking like a sheep?