Crimson........Winds of change blowing???

[25yearsmlc]

Right, but she has said (recently) that she "forgives us". She has said before that she has forgiven me. Do I dare challenge that? Or do I ask what that means to her?

I have often thought that if she really, really had forgiven us or me that trtying to move forward wouldn't be such a rough go.

Additionally, I don't think that there is any validity to saying that you have forgiven someone in one breath and then saying you never want anything to do with them in the next. Is that really forgiveness?

IT CAN BE...I forgave my father for his drunken rages. I really truly did let go of all the pain of those memories and had great love for my dad when he died. But I'd never live with that behavior again.

Do not confuse forgiveness with accepting the treatment again. Nor is it condoning an act.

You can say "Joe was wrong to do X to me" and then forgive Joe for doing it, even without telling Joe.

The grudge or pain no longer affects you. You're free of it. It does not come to you in your nightmares...But it has little to do with being with them, again.

You CAN have both forgiveness and reconciliation (obvoiusly my h and I did) but it's not mandatory. So no, I don't see the inconsistency.

I see your wife as waiting for something to "happen" to her feelings as if no choice is involved. Not just to forgive, but to love fully again. AND I don't believe she really has forgiven you although she may THINK she has...

Love is a choice we have to make even when it's not easy. That's why we had to take vows to marry; if it were easy to "fall in love" all the time there'd be no need for this site or making vows.



Seriously - I don't know. My mother has flat out SAID that about her and xw hasn't said it - but sorta lives it.

To that point, in terms of what I saw with forgiveness as a child in my family - really not a ton.

So, how easy was it for you? Do you think you are done? "All there" now?


My mother is for sure the type of person to hold a grudge or not let anyone "push her around". Kind of the eye for an eye type....you hurt me and I will try to hurt you back. Perhaps that is seen in my previous posts about her (mom).

For many of us, forgiveness is a learned skill. For many of us, it requires tools we were not born with or exposed to.

Hence the need for those tools.