Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

So I dragged my butt to the mountain resort for the annual boy scout ski weekend and I had my lift ticket and my goal was to overcome my fear and get up there on a run with my S12. It was hard, and I battled a negative mental attitude part of the time. Things that helped:
- listening to my ipod, or not, with earbuds. S12 kept asking me why I still had those things in my ears so I couldn't hear him, and at least three times I said with a smile that they keep people from talking to me. FINALLY he said why are you trying to keep me from talking to you? And I took them out and said finally he got the joke. But the rest of the time, when he wasn't around, I put them back in.
- slowing down. It was a long slog through snow in ski boots to get from the chalet to the beginner area, and rushing was hurting my shins, so I slowed wayyyyy down, dressed in more layers, and just ambled along until I got there. It helped.
- pushing myself. Each time I went on the lift it was right after almost bailing out, convincing myself that it would be fine if I didn't do it, and reminding myself how much fun I have just in the beginner area. And then, I'd just get in the line and people would come in behind me and it was go-time. I went on once with a teacher who coached me all the way down. Once I was going with a buddy but he texted "I'll meet you at the top" so I had no choice but to figure it out and get up there. And the third time was with S12 which was my goal for the weekend and that was the only time I got so flustered I fell down coming off the lift. S12 thought it was very comical but he was proud of how I was facing my fears and really trying hard.
- Letting go of expectations. Once I knew it didn't matter if I fell, or looked stupid, or even took the skis off and walked them down the slope, I did a lot better. It was really the expectation that I had to ski down flawlessly that was holding me hostage.
- Slacking off. I went - reluctantly - on the lift once each day in three days, and after that I was done. I didn't feel like I needed to keep going and going. I went back to the bunny slope and played around where I was more comfortable knowing that I had accomplished my goal already. My goal for next year will be not to s*ck as much, but that's for next year.
- Trying to intentionally enjoy my surroundings. I was still caught up in the stress of my job, and my new employee and still paying personal leave to my old employee, and the bills and the housework and my parents and siblings and children, and once or twice I had to tell myself to stop, look up, let the snow land on my face, and say the h&ll with all that stuff. It'll wait for me. It took an effort because I was in a mood where I'd rather still complain and vent. But I knew I didn't want to waste the opportunity I had in front of me. I may not even see a decent snow the rest of this winter, and I was toasty warm in my performance layers and had skis and coffee and no good reason not to enjoy life.
- Trust in the big picture to overcome the details. I left s15 home and he was in charge of lining up safe places to stay, keep me posted, not do anything that would bring CPS on our heads, and have fun. H didn't stay at the house but checked in, and did not like what he saw, and again emailed and texted me a continuous stream of complaints. Dogs didn't have water. Stuff on the floor. Cooking utensils not cleaned up. Friends in the house. Chewing tobacco spit bottles. Broken furniture. I didn't let it get to me as much this time, just a little sigh. I let him know I appreciated his checking on things, and helping with the dogs, and explained that I was most interested in S15 being safe and legal, and the mess would be resolved in time, not such a concern to me. H wrote back that the mess was a sign of disrespect. That was enlightening. Now I understand better why he flies off the handle over a sock on the floor. But he's reading disrespect into actions that weren't intended to convey that at all. It's kind of a natural to think a 15yo boy is going to pile up the dishes over the weekend and maybe clean them up just before mom comes home, if at all. I was a 15 year old once. Our kitchen sink started to stink before I learned I might want to clean them up just for my own comfort before my parents got home. Anyway, H reads that as a message directed toward him. That's his problem I guess. Anyway, the boy was safe, he stayed out of trouble with the police and the girls' parents, bullet dodged, made it home and he was fine. The sink didn't even stink. I hugged him and told him I missed him and thanked him for what he did for the dogs, and commended his cooking his own food, and noted that there was some clean-up to do, and he said, no problem mom I'll clean it up, and he did. Big picture good, details already fading into irrelevance.
- Being intentional about what I need. I haven't gotten it yet, there's still some high anxiety. I am getting through, but I still am looking for some time to carve out and take one of the dogs up a hill on a good long hike, with no phone. I did go spend some time with my parents and brother and sil and sister since my brother drove down from new england for the weekend, because I knew I should, and I did circle back and wrap his birthday present and sign his card once I realized I had almost forgotten them...but I only went for an hour and I did not feel guilty about leaving. I know I need to add in more sleep at night, and I'm not doing that so well tonight, but since I'm up I'll set my alarm later for the AM. Without being intentional about it, I give away all my resources and have none left for myself.

So, there's only one more week of February and my goal was to respond to H's separation agreement by the end of February. I'm putting it off. I feel ambivalent because it just solidifies the fact that I'm on all the time and get no breaks from the kids unless I have no choice, like for my work trip, where I flat out needed him or somebody to step in and stay with them. I don't think that's fair, and I don't like it, but realistically I don't see assigning the kids to stay with their dad ever. He didn't suggest it, doesn't have a place or a plan to have a place where they could live, and has alienated S15 to the point where the kid will not speak to him let alone come stay for the weekend. It's just me and the kids. My IC said to be open to the possibility that all of that will change over time. In 6 months S15 might be getting along with his dad and there might be a place to live, and we should be flexible to accommodate those possibilities if they should occur. I don't know how that would translate into a legal document. The proposal was simply that h would visit them twice a week.

I'm also sick of H's brother using my driveway as the airport satellite parking lot. He lives half the time in LA and the car's in my driveway as usual. I almost swiped it maliciously on my way backing out of the garage. I wouldn't...just thought about it. I'd love to tell him to go store it at H's friend's gated community where he'll have to get let in and out by the guardhouse to access it. I want my stinkin driveway to myself.

So. what I need now is a puppy. Gonna go hug it and fall asleep. G'nite.