Well, today is the 4 month anniversary of ILYBINILWY and it all went pretty much to sh@t from there. She did not join us on our annual 14 hour road trip to grandparents (hers), parents (both sets) and all our brothers and sisters and their families, they all live back east within 30 minutes of each other. To say the kids were furious with W is an understatement. I asked D15 to call W and tell her we had arrived (a Saturday night) and W was at an "End of the World party" it being Dec 22, it was at a couples house who are very straight laced and we know very well, so nothing scandalous. D15's half of the conversation when something like "we're here, no, whatever, whatever, no, bye." I asked her why she was so rude to W, she said because it's all her fault. I didn't really want to dissuade her of this notion, but I told her that mom and dad share some blame and we both still love you more than ever. She seemed less than convinced, but agreed to try and be more civil. She didn't call the kids once the 13 days we were away. She texted D15 every couple of days, but that's it. I made them call her on xmas day, neither one was particularly long or pleasant.
The next week, D10 said to my mother while I wasn't present that W was evil. My mom told me later and I asked D10 what she meant by that, assuming she was possibly joking. D10 said she did say it and she blames W for destroying our family. I pretty much told her the same thing I told D15 and silently cursed W for putting her children through this trauma. I can't imagine hating my mother and considering her evil.
We got back the 31rst, I moved into my apartment on Jan 1. I have them half time, she has called to say goodnight once, while I call most nights they are not with me. When the kids are with W in my presence, they are short with W and borderline rude. I have since stopped asking them to be more respectful, if W wants to let her children talk to her that way it's none of my business anymore. I don't know how they are when I'm not around, it may just be them being protective of me, but I imagine they are far less respectful than they are with me which is all the time.
I am very concerned about the long-term effect this is going to have on them no matter how it's ultimately resolved. That they are older, they may be able to adjust better (?), but it also means they are going to remember this sh#t in much more detail. They are holding their mother responsible and I don't think there is much I can say otherwise. They have seen too much. She is the one who has changed and not for the better. She does not act the same around them.
The most important thing is she has not yet become some kind of alcoholic or sexiholic, or fully abandoned them (though emotionally, she is not all there). She takes very good care of them as far as I can tell, so I'll count mine and my kids blessings for that. I do wonder if she lets them treat her this way (something she or I would have tolerated before BD) out a sense of guilt or shame. I don't know. J.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
