Guys, I'm amazed at how similar our situations are. RockJC, I'd check every one of those boxes too except trade out "Music and headphones" with "constant internet / computer absorbtion" and leave "I'm finally happy" unchecked. She admits that she's pretty damn unhappy, but then again a lot of that is because she still lapses frequently into anger mode. And I'm sure she also imagines that when we finally split up / divorce, the gates of eden will open and she'll finally find the shangri-la that awaits.
One question. How are your kids doing with all of this? For me, that's been the biggest thing, trying to shield them from all the foreboding, malice and weirdness that's in the air. How are you guys doing with that part of it?
I actually don't think my girls are aware of anything. My W and I are fortunately in agreement to try to keep it from the kids as long as possible. Thankfully we have been able to keep our emotions in check when around the kids. I do alot with my girls (always have) and that has not changed. W doesn't do nearly as much with us however but she always has a good excuse for the girls as to why she can't go places with us. I will say that it will absolutely tear me apart when we have to tell the girls. I am not sure how I will hold it together. My oldest daughter has such a big heart and is so sensitive. I think she will be devastated. Hopefully it will never come to that but I am preparing myself for the worst. Hopefully you guys can keep it from the kids as long as possible. This has to be one of the hardest parts of D.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Well, today is the 4 month anniversary of ILYBINILWY and it all went pretty much to sh@t from there. She did not join us on our annual 14 hour road trip to grandparents (hers), parents (both sets) and all our brothers and sisters and their families, they all live back east within 30 minutes of each other. To say the kids were furious with W is an understatement. I asked D15 to call W and tell her we had arrived (a Saturday night) and W was at an "End of the World party" it being Dec 22, it was at a couples house who are very straight laced and we know very well, so nothing scandalous. D15's half of the conversation when something like "we're here, no, whatever, whatever, no, bye." I asked her why she was so rude to W, she said because it's all her fault. I didn't really want to dissuade her of this notion, but I told her that mom and dad share some blame and we both still love you more than ever. She seemed less than convinced, but agreed to try and be more civil. She didn't call the kids once the 13 days we were away. She texted D15 every couple of days, but that's it. I made them call her on xmas day, neither one was particularly long or pleasant.
The next week, D10 said to my mother while I wasn't present that W was evil. My mom told me later and I asked D10 what she meant by that, assuming she was possibly joking. D10 said she did say it and she blames W for destroying our family. I pretty much told her the same thing I told D15 and silently cursed W for putting her children through this trauma. I can't imagine hating my mother and considering her evil.
We got back the 31rst, I moved into my apartment on Jan 1. I have them half time, she has called to say goodnight once, while I call most nights they are not with me. When the kids are with W in my presence, they are short with W and borderline rude. I have since stopped asking them to be more respectful, if W wants to let her children talk to her that way it's none of my business anymore. I don't know how they are when I'm not around, it may just be them being protective of me, but I imagine they are far less respectful than they are with me which is all the time.
I am very concerned about the long-term effect this is going to have on them no matter how it's ultimately resolved. That they are older, they may be able to adjust better (?), but it also means they are going to remember this sh#t in much more detail. They are holding their mother responsible and I don't think there is much I can say otherwise. They have seen too much. She is the one who has changed and not for the better. She does not act the same around them.
The most important thing is she has not yet become some kind of alcoholic or sexiholic, or fully abandoned them (though emotionally, she is not all there). She takes very good care of them as far as I can tell, so I'll count mine and my kids blessings for that. I do wonder if she lets them treat her this way (something she or I would have tolerated before BD) out a sense of guilt or shame. I don't know. J.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
1 call goodnight in 4 months of 50% separation? My W is not that bad, but the kids notice. My MIL and W's coworkers have been on my wife about making more of an effort. I used to have the kids make the call, but don't think it is my place anymore. Is a 2 min. call to your kids to ask how their day went and tell them goodnight really that hard?
I forgot to put down: Constantly staring and typing into smartphone. That is the most annoying habit. And every time she gets a text or facebook message, it beeps. I have more than once fantasized about taking a hammer to it.
I did a terrible job shielding my kids. We got into some heated arguments where things were said within earshot. Plus, they notice when I break down crying, or mom disappears.
My D13 is a bundle of anger, ready to snap at the slightest thing. She is very upset at her mom. D11 is internalizing it and acting moody. D5 is too young to realize what is going on.
I am doing my best to show them love and convince them that their mom loves them and that this is not their fault. Me and the 3 girls start family counseling next week.
Sorry guys that the kids are having such a hard time. Guess I should be thankful that I haven't had to cross that bridge yet.
I think alot of us on here should have a smartphone smashing party. W is always on hers. It never leaves her side.
W just accidentally touched me in bed and it was like she touched a hot stove. She couldn't get to the other side of the bed fast enough. Obviously not detached because this still makes me sad and angry.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I think alot of us on here should have a smartphone smashing party. W is always on hers. It never leaves her side.
Boy do I remember that quite starkly. After BD my W would actually sleep with her cel phone IN HER HAND!!! Unbelievable. The only time she wasn't holding it is when it had to be charged. I thought I had fast reflexes, but I've never seen anything like the reflexes of my W snapping that phone up to her face when a new message came through. No way Billy the Kid could draw that fast. Strangely enough, since moving out the phone isn't her constant companion like it was. Now when she comes to my house she leaves it laying around wherever. When we're in the car or at one of the kid's events it doesn't even come out of her purse. It used to buzz constantly with phone calls and messages and now it doesn't.
I think alot of us on here should have a smartphone smashing party. W is always on hers. It never leaves her side.
My W had her EA on her smart phone... I will join in the smashing party! We can start a bonfire and dance around it like wild Indians!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
