Immaculee Ilibagiza... the Rwandan speaker. Her book was INCREDIBLE and life changing. LOVE THAT.
I believe in forgiveness and agree with everything that is being said here. I just want to offer another angle to this... A lot of what we go through here is traumatic. I've seen before that it is even likened to PTSD. Having suffered from a rape, it is something I am familiar with and I would absolutely agree with that assessment for some people.
I went to group therapy for awhile following my rape. Kept in touch with some of the people I met there. The recovery for some was much faster than others. While I was able to ship off to college 4 months later, others were still unable to function well in their lives. And for some, including me, there were other "issues" that came up that took time to work through. I had a boyfriend that I ended my relationship with. Being with someone was intolerable. After awhile I was able to date, but it was slow and painful. I didn't want it to be that way. I looked at other couples and craved the closeness they had. I just wasn't able to get myself there yet. Eventually I was able to enjoy a nice relationship, but still suffered from nightmares. And finally, the nightmares went away (interestingly, resurfacing after my separation).
My point? Your W has gone through a "traumatic" experience. And it is going to take her awhile to work through that and build trust. And while I believe forgiveness is a part of it, I think there is also a natural progression of "recovery" that she needs to go through. That isn't going to happen all in one day. And it is not going to happen in a straight line. You have to do what is right for you, Crimson. And if it becomes too much for you, then you need to move on. But she needs to work her way through trust, forgiveness and trauma recovery. And it's hard, as you know. I do agree, that some help through some education would help this process enormously, but it is very hard to tell people that.
I do like your progress here. Truly. And I think in addition to the advice given here, I would do some research on PTSD recovery. You will see behaviors and inconsistencies that are so very much like what you describe with your W. Give her some time, some space and a whole lot of patience. But again, so long as you don't lose yourself in the process.
