I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

I applaud your bravery in looking within. I really do. My only two observations are that saying you "always liked criticizing things and people" - honey, it IS not a desirable trait. It's called being "critical." Honestly, no one likes it. Do you like being around other people who constantly or "always" put others down?

I should have clarified it better. I agree with you 100% that is is NOT a desirable trait when it’s voiced often. However the reason why I said why I think it wasn’t a bad trait of mine was because that’s why I am good at handing finances, making good decisions at work etc. Essentially being critical is one of the traits that makes me who I am. I also believe being critical is the reason why I can look at myself deeper and analyzes good and bad. Having said that, it is NOT a desirable trait for others to handle and I can say I never held back. English is my second language and I had and still have an identity crisis living here. When I first came here, I was a quiet one because of the language barrier. I quickly learned that to make it in this country I had to be more assertive because everyone else was. I come from a culture where we would do what the next person does. We don’t like doing anything different. Coming from the culture, I had to make a serious adjustment to how I would behave and think. And apparently I had the wrong idea of being assertive. I thought if I voiced every opinion and criticism I would be perceived as an opinionated person. Fortunately though after awakening, I have been refraining from voicing my criticism whenever I catch myself. Of course I slip here and there but the most important thing is that now I am aware of how my being critical has affected my relationships with others.

As for being "very organized" and that being a good trait, it is if you like that!! AND OR don't expect others to meet your standards in THEIR lives...
Striking balance is important. Allowing others to be themselves is important. But the extremes of either can be seen as negatives.

This is going to be my lifetime challenge. Apparently and unconsciously I expect others to meet my standards. That’s why I get irritated and force them to do my way. I don’t understand when something so simple isn’t organized. But the funny thing is I’m so organized people who’ve seen our home say it looks like it’s right out of a magazine and yet I have a pile of unsorted papers in the corner of my desk, a pile of things I have to put up on ebay but haven’t and a bunch of expired groupon. You see, It’s just like my marriage. I told my H this too but I had priorities all messed up. I should have put him first before organizing, financing, house or baby. In my mind I thought I was organizing life events well. Get married, Organize house, Get finances together, Buy a house, decorate the house beautifully, fix it up beautifully, organize closets, get a surgery for infertility, get a baby and then, THEN focus on “us” Boy was I wrong.

Being like this affected the way I interacted with him greatly. I always liked everything planned. I would ask him to call his mother to ask about date and time for a party. If he didn’t within few hours I was irritated. After his breakdown in July I was game. I initiated a date night every Friday followed by sex. I mean every Friday night I initiated. I noticed he looked sadder and sadder and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I was too mechanical. Finally I understand after BD… he didn’t just want more sex, he wanted to feel loved. I love him from the bottom of my heart but I didn’t know how to show him. I thought having scheduled sex would show him I cared about him.

you mean b/c he tuned OUT? I don't get your wording. You mean he didn't want to fight it out with you b/c he was conflict avoidant with you, or he didn't feel he'd get anywhere or what? If there was no compromise & it was all done your way, then, isn't it easier to see what really happened? What do you think?

English is my second language so bear with me when I don’t make sense sometimes You are right, I should have said he tuned out.

Again, since DB-ing I’ve learned to let go and go with flow more but like I said I have a LONG way to go still.
Thank you 25yearsmlc, your comments makes me think even deeper and deeper and that’s what I need to do right now