H also goes these days from sending texts asking questions, being interested, and the very same day will be cold and short when I inquire about something like his band practice - one of his things was I never acted interested in his music. I am, and I'm not just asking to make him feel better about this, I'm actually interested, but then don't just send a one word reply!
I checked his phone records - really just out of curiosity, no kidding, I didn't have emotions ether way about who he was talking with. What was funny was how much he's been texting with his mom - wonder what that's all about. Yep, don't mind read etc, but just found that interesting.
Last night I was looking thru threads and read suckerpunch's thread, particularly 25yearsmlc posts (sorry suckerpunch, that I don't really have good advice - I'm too lost myself - and I think you and I might be a lot alike) But several things really hit home. The post regarding from WAW to a LBS husband. I think my H does feel like he was ignored for a long time, devalued and treated like less important. I could come up with a million different excuses/reasons, but I suppose it really doesn't matter. I want him to feel valued, like his opinion matters, sometimes I just don't know how. As far as money, he has left all of the bill paying up to me, so do I really have a choice there? I can't help but be involved in opinions about buying cars/music equipment when I actually know how much money we have. (and I have suggested going thru the budget with him a million times, he isn't interested) Yes, I make plans and expect that you will be there- it's what family/friends do - if it was something that happened every week, maybe that would be different, but it's not nearly that often.
I have apologized for things that happened in the past, prior to baby, when we first got married, when he said I was emotionally not there etc. I do still think he blows it a little out of proportion. But I also explained to him long ago when we started dating that I have a hard time opening up, trusting and counting on anyone - I'm guessing this goes back to my parents getting divorced. So going into our marriage he knew these issues. And yes, so did I. And I try to overcome these things but it isn't easy - espeically when your H starts texting other women and ignoring you. But I have still apologized and said I can't change how it was but I can try to be better.
This post is just all over the place, sorry for that.
And now it feels like we are back to square one - the part of 25yearsmlc post about building up hope and getting crushed again - that he thinks he can never make me happy. Because I started less contact to protect my own emotions. Bcause I kept feeling like he was intentionally hurting me. But now he is cold and further away than ever. And I have know idea how to reverse this and follow DB. But me being distant just feels like 'more of the same' at this point.
Someone want to help a little? I know - this is all not written well and pretty sporadic. But maybe someone has some incite.
(as far as all of my earlier posts - I do still feel that H is somewhat MLC - I just know that I need to do something to show that I really do know my part - I have know idea how)
Anyone?? Maybe I just ramble too much in my posts? Sorry, sometimes I have a hard time keeping my thoughts put together as I write - there's so much to say...
Would love to have some feedback on my recent posts....
H actually texted today chatting about a beautiful place he delivered to.
And later I asked how he was and if he was excited for his practice out of town this weekend. He's bummed from that getting cancelled (but has scheduled a different practice!) But anyway, he just said he's 'alright'. Seems really down these days. And I'm not sure how to address it. I don't want to launch into R talks at all...but we haven't talked in a long time. So going to suggest getting together....even at the risk of being rejected....
I realize there is a lot I need to work on. But it is so hard when you have little contact.
I don't want to launch into R talks at all...but we haven't talked in a long time. So going to suggest getting together....even at the risk of being rejected....
I realize there is a lot I need to work on. But it is so hard when you have little contact.
Why do you think that pursuing him now is a good idea?
General rule is to let him control the contact.
If he is in MLC there is no way that you can TALK him out of it.
What is it that you need to work on that includes contact with him?
I feel that things got worse and he started acting more down when I began having less contact - he noticed and commented how I seemed to have pulled away. I feel like this is more of the same of how he feels he got into the bad mode over the last year, because I wasn't there emotionally etc.
I realize I can't talk him out of anything. But I'd like him to know I am here and do care - that I backed off to work on myself (and probably to avoid being hurt more, but I can't tell him that)
Honestly, some issues I'm not sure how to deal with - the trust and always feeling like people will leave. Letting my guard down. I have been working on listening better. And the control issue - several times lately I've gone along with days he wanted D rather than the days I suggested.
I'm getting more involved at church. Tonight I'm going to a small group, excited about starting that. And my hobby business is doing well.
But I'd like him to know I am here and do care - that I backed off to work on myself (and probably to avoid being hurt more, but I can't tell him that)
The problem with this is that he more than likely sees this as pressure. Sometimes the sound of our voice can be pressure. Best to speak with ACTIONS not Words. Just like you believe nothing he says and 1/2 of what he does. Listen to his ACTIONS not his words. So do your actions show him that you care?
Enjoy your small group tonight. Keep trying to find new activities to expand your world.
I agree that actions are better than words - but when you hardly spend time with the person it's not easy. That is why I sometimes text to inquire how he is - because sometimes it is the only way I have. And I don't do it daily or go over the top, just want him to know that I'm thinking of him.
I could shower him with gifts to show I care, but that doesn't seem real appropriate. He's a 'words of affirmation' person - and I do when I can, but again, when you aren't around someone much you don't have many things to compliment.
Suggestions are always welcomed.
I have let him lead the way on affection and until recently we always hugged. Then when I started pulling back, hugs got fewer, and things felt akward. This morning he came to get D off to daycare, as I was leaving I hugged him - and he hugged back.
The small group was great, a great group of ladies, look forward to these weekly meetings now. And they also get together for outings, etc. Most of the husbands meet in a mens group at the same time, so the ladies were asking if my H would join them. I just said that he isn't that into organized religion - which is true. D had a good time playing with the other kids in the nursery there too - this will be good for her too.
Don't get impatient. When you hardly spend time with the person it takes them longer to notice your actions, but trying to jump the gun and TELL them is not going to accomplish your goal of making them notice. In fact it's going to sound manipulative, self-serving, and in fact they may even find in it justification to support their decision to leave. That's not what you want, so be patient.
If your actions are for being noticed and for getting your spouse back, they are manipulative. If your actions are for you, then it really shouldn't matter if he notices or not, or when.
Interesting that your H noticed and commented when you pulled back. I think there's an opportunity there possibly, depending on your sitch, to express very mild surprise, "really? You moved out, and I am trying to respect your decision, move forward and heal. I wouldn't have thought you'd expect or want me to keep contacting you as if we were together." I wonder what the more experienced people would say to that.
When he comes toward you is when you can act caring and interested, without going overboard. Don't push it out to him when he clearly doesn't want it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks for your thoughts Adinva. My actions as far as GAL are for me - I've done a lot of things lately that I should have done long ago.
I'm not being manipulative as far as actions to show him I care - I DO care.
It only took him a few days to bring up how I had seemed to pull back and he thought I had moved on. That's when all started getting really weird. In retrospect, I wish I wuold have kept gonig down the path we were - we were becoming good friends again, and were still affectionate, etc. But I felt like it was all too comfortable for him, like he could think the whole situation was ok like that, and I was also giving him too much of a chance to hurt me more. I needed to detach more - he had intentionally hurt me several times - yes, a few of the times were times that I had expectations from him, but there is no reason for him to hurt me on purpose.
Anyway, I basically told him I was giving him space when he mentioned me backing off. He wasn't really happy with the answer and still thinks I am hiding things. He thinks I am dating, not true at all.
I feel like I'm speaking in circles and have no direction, as far as H goes. Normal day to day things I'm pretty well ok. But that doesn't help with the main goal of getting my family back together. Yes, the GAL and everything can be all about doing things for you etc and making the changes you need but in the end, the main goal is still getting the family back together. I'm sure there are people that feel otherwise.
