Crimson........Winds of change blowing???

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the insights, everyone. As always it is appreciated.
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Early last week she suggested that we take another "mini-adventure" like the trip to Flagstaff a few weeks ago. I started planning a camping trip for this weekend and she seemed to be down for it. Well, come Friday or Saturday she said S was acting a little lethargic like he was on the brink of getting sick and fighting something off. She said we should put camping on hold and maybe just do a day trip on Sunday. All in all, when Sat/Sun came around she said that she just felt exhausted and wiped out from the week and needed to recharge. She and S went to visit with her sister - she hadn't seen her in over a month. I was a little bummed and wondered if the whole thing was a way to get out of our plans. I hate it when my mind goes there.

it's not a healthy place to go, so you need to force yourself to stop it. STOP going there....see?? So easy

Notwithstanding, when she shared with me the news I simply said "OK". She responded via text "Thank you for listening to me (about being tired) and being flexible" - I said to her "you're welcome....I'm learning". Miraculously, she replied back and said "I'm noticing :)". Not listening to her subtle cues in our past was a big thing for me.

this ^^ was a huge positive she expressed and noticed...do you get that?


Two years ago I probably would have pushed for her to go anyway and let my overall dissatisfaction with her canceling be known. Not through anger or yelling - but by saying nothing and withdrawing. Well, it at least was somewhat validating that she said she notices.

OMG what do you want Crimson, letters in the sky?

She felt crappy and tired, changed plans and then thanked you for being flexible, to which you said "I'm learning". You didn't make a heroic gesture, you were just being mature. But it was new and she noticed and said THANKS to you. It's not "somewhat validating". It's very validating! Pat yourself on the back. She just did.

Lately, I have been wondering when the hurt and pain ends - if it ever does. Not for ME, but for her.


WHEN SHE LETS IT. I think that requires choice on her end. I really do.

Stopping the creation of new resentments and letting go of old ones takes effort. ONLY SHE can make that effort.

If she wants to let go of the past but cannot, then she needs new tools for it. (I still say she/you or both attend Imago or Essential Experience as a workshop b/c weekly sessions will never get thru. Or Retrovaille)

Plus, if she ever made a breakthrough in a weekly session, she'd then have to go back to s, or her work and it's fragmented progress AT BEST...most mc's re-hash the past, and then letting go is more impossible.

(BTW, Power Of Now went to EE, along with Navy Guy, and Autumn Leaves. Valeska went to Imago, so why not investigate something for YOU and check it out? IF it's cool enough or productive, then SHE can see the value of the workshop in your changes...and might want to take some steps of her own.

Forgiveness is a big theme at EE and I can tell you I let go of A LOT of things from my past when I went.

I just did "team" (i.e., help new participants) last week and am reminded of how much individual personal work it takes to heal in a marriage, or to heal from issues outside the marriage BUT that affect it.

So while you attend it as an individual, (which keeps you from "editing" your reactions, or rehearsing answers, or being inhibited) it tends to improve marriages and often, the spouse of a perticipant will go after they see the changes made in the spouse who went.

I know you have already made changes, but she is far behind where you are, and she thinks it will just land on her.



When just the two of us went to dinner a week or two ago, she said essentially that

1.) She still thinks I am physically attractive
2.) She knows and sees that REAL change has occurred
3.) She knows that I am a really good father
4.) She knows that I am a good person

When I add that up with her contacting me over a month ago about "I assume you have moved on, but just need to know" and "I need to know if you are still wanting to work on things" I think the overall net of it is good. Hell, we shared a bed with our son a few weeks ago.

all true^^


But then, at the same dinner, she says that she still struggles with having feelings for me that a wife should have and that much of it is about things in the past and things that happened over the course over the D.

What is she proposing? Waiting for lightning to strike? Please do not mind read. Have you asked her?


All things I can't do anything about. So again, does the hurt ever end?



yes it can end. Absolutely it can end. There is free will involved.

Does that wall ever come down? To an outsider looking at my situation HAS it come down at least SOME already relative to where I was?

of course it has come down some. You shared a bed, you went on a trip SHE suggested going on.

She said during that dinner "believe me, nothing would make me happier than to wake up one day and know that I just want to come back and be with you and S...I want that....I am just not there".

Again, what does she think will happen if she simply "waits/hopes" to "wake up one day and KNOW that she wants to come back and be w/you and s..."??? IS there anything in her mind that SHE can DO??

I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that, but I think I understand....I guess I just don't know where "there" is...and if people ever get "there" from where we were.

yes they/we can get there.


She talked a lot about how this ordeal has brought about her "financial ruin"....and I often wish I could help. So badly I want to say "hey, it does not have to be that way....you don't have to pay rent and other living expenses.....just come home." However, I know that is not the right approach to take.

I'm glad you know that. I'd have a hard time hearing it, frankly. Does she think you got a bonus for it?


I must admit that in what I can only label a self induced pity-party I texted her on Sunday and said that if she would prefer that I don't ask that we do things let me know. I know, I know...not a smart thing to do, but I had a really weak moment.

we forgive you...and welcome to the human race. We make mistakes. We learn from them. We make changes...


She responded by saying that she only takes things one day at a time and that day she was just really tired and needed to recharge. It was an amicable exchange....good communication, well - BETTER than what we used to do.

FYI, on Valentines I dropped by to give S a little present. And yes, I did pick up something for her and a gift from our S for her as well. She was making S a heart-shaped pizza and we all sat and ate together. The next day she said thanks for spoiling us and was very grateful.

Well, I suspect that I am rambling right now. Guess I just needed to "talk" for a bit. Thanks everyone that has helped me along the way. Please keep the advice coming. I have not given up yet...I still hang on to hope.

Regards

Crimson

I still have hope too. I just think at some point soon, SHE will need to get some tools she does not yet have, to move forward. Wherever or however she does that, or if, is beyond your control...

although supporting her efforts is within your control. Check out the websites for the workshops mentioned above and see if YOU can attend one soon.

THEN take it from there. If you KNOW she'd never go or would not like it, so be it. But what if you get a LOT out of it? Might she go then?

btw, "Essential Experience" also made me a much better mother. So there.