Crimson........Winds of change blowing???

[25yearsmlc]

"However, when she insists that something was in my heart and intentions - and those things absolutely were not there I feel like I am being dishonest if I nod my head and say "yes...that's what I was feeling/doing"."

C, I think here^^^^is where validation comes into play. It doesn't mean that you are being dishonest just validating what she thought, felt and saw at that time.....If you defend what she says she will become defensive... It's called rolling with resistance. Think of it as mental health martial arts....You are aknowledging what she is saying but not necessarily agreeing. She doesn't need to know that u are not in agreement, just that you hear her. Hope that makes sense.

Like when you don't recall an event at all, or very differently than she does, does not make her "wrong." Believe me, there was an "event" my h recalled very badly and I literally had no recall of it. My oldest child stopped me from calling h a liar (unknowingly on my son's end) b/c he said "Oh I remember that day...." which floored me.

Only with several clues did I recall any of it and to this day I don't know exactly what happened or why I don't recall details but my son more or less validates H's recall. Thank God I didn't blurt out something off base.

So you can say "Wow, that's not how i recall it at all, (or "how I felt, I promise"), but I"m sorry you were hurt. I won't do that again/(or 'will be clearer in the future'.)"

And the more generic reply of "XW, If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently" usually diffuses things.

Neither answer escalates, or admits that you intended something bad,

and both validate.