Thanks for the insights, everyone. As always it is appreciated.
I think every now and then I just stop by here and post to get things in my head on paper and hopefully stay off of any cliff that I may or may not be dangling over.
So over the last few days I think I have been in a mini-slump. Just feeling a tad blue about things. I wonder how much of it is real and how much of it is adjusting to my reduction in ADs over the last 2-3 weeks (which I viewed as necessary). Don't get me wrong, I am not immobilized or on the brink of a breakdown or anything like that - I think the best way to put it is that while I am in the pursuit of greater progress I tend to completely take for granted the progress that I have made with my XW over the last several months.
Early last week she suggested that we take another "mini-adventure" like the trip to Flagstaff a few weeks ago. I started planning a camping trip for this weekend and she seemed to be down for it. Well, come Friday or Saturday she said S was acting a little lethargic like he was on the brink of getting sick and fighting something off. She said we should put camping on hold and maybe just do a day trip on Sunday. All in all, when Sat/Sun came around she said that she just felt exhausted and wiped out from the week and needed to recharge. She and S went to visit with her sister - she hadn't seen her in over a month. I was a little bummed and wondered if the whole thing was a way to get out of our plans. I hate it when my mind goes there.
Notwithstanding, when she shared with me the news I simply said "OK". She responded via text "Thank you for listening to me (about being tired) and being flexible" - I said to her "you're welcome....I'm learning". Miraculously, she replied back and said "I'm noticing :)". Not listening to her subtle cues in our past was a big thing for me. Two years ago I probably would have pushed for her to go anyway and let my overall dissatisfaction with her canceling be known. Not through anger or yelling - but by saying nothing and withdrawing. Well, it at least was somewhat validating that she said she notices.
Lately, I have been wondering when the hurt and pain ends - if it ever does. Not for ME, but for her.
When just the two of us went to dinner a week or two ago, she said essentially that
1.) She still thinks I am physically attractive 2.) She knows and sees that REAL change has occurred 3.) She knows that I am a really good father 4.) She knows that I am a good person
When I add that up with her contacting me over a month ago about "I assume you have moved on, but just need to know" and "I need to know if you are still wanting to work on things" I think the overall net of it is good. Hell, we shared a bed with our son a few weeks ago. But then, at the same dinner, she says that she still struggles with having feelings for me that a wife should have and that much of it is about things in the past and things that happened over the course over the D. All things I can't do anything about. So again, does the hurt ever end? Does that wall ever come down? To an outsider looking at my situation HAS it come down at least SOME already relative to where I was?
She said during that dinner "believe me, nothing would make me happier than to wake up one day and know that I just want to come back and be with you and S...I want that....I am just not there". I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that, but I think I understand....I guess I just don't know where "there" is...and if people ever get "there" from where we were. She talked a lot about how this ordeal has brought about her "financial ruin"....and I often wish I could help. So badly I want to say "hey, it does not have to be that way....you don't have to pay rent and other living expenses.....just come home." However, I know that is not the right approach to take.
I must admit that in what I can only label a self induced pity-party I texted her on Sunday and said that if she would prefer that I don't ask that we do things let me know. I know, I know...not a smart thing to do, but I had a really weak moment. She responded by saying that she only takes things one day at a time and that day she was just really tired and needed to recharge. It was an amicable exchange....good communication, well - BETTER than what we used to do.
FYI, on Valentines I dropped by to give S a little present. And yes, I did pick up something for her and a gift from our S for her as well. She was making S a heart-shaped pizza and we all sat and ate together. The next day she said thanks for spoiling us and was very grateful.
Well, I suspect that I am rambling right now. Guess I just needed to "talk" for a bit. Thanks everyone that has helped me along the way. Please keep the advice coming. I have not given up yet...I still hang on to hope.
