Today I began to feel something odd about my sitch. H and I still remain in the same house. I still cook and shop for the house. We both still work and pay our bills. We have begun to have better conversations.We still ML. For the most part, we still live our lives as if the elephant is not in the room especially with me not asking R questions,snooping or mentioning the OW or our sitch. The GAL process is working for me but I am starting to actually resent my H. I think about what he has done and I have this "how dare you" feeling to come over me. I feel as it he is somehow "getting away" with the A since neither of us mention it. HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN IT'S OVER IF I DON'T BRING IT UP? I want to ask so badly or take a sneak peek at our phone records. I actually looked at him today with disgust when he kissed me. What is leading to?It's a tormenting feeling. Any advice?
I'm in a similar situation with my wife. In early Jan 2013, she told me she didn't love me etc. But we still live together, ML, and so forth. I'm still snooping (yes, hard to stop) and we can have a great day, but she continues to talk about leaving the marriage with her girl friends. It is my opinion, my wife is confused, in a MLC (maybe fits your H too?). She has noticed my 180's and I think this is helping my sitch. But like you, I'm not sure what to do.
Thanks AS..I didn't know I would ever feel this way. You're absolutely right about me focusing 100% on the M and 0% on me. When I started to focus on me, GAL and try to heal from the A w/OW, all of those raw emotions that I surpressed from H just surfaced. I remember all the time I asked him nothing and he offered nothing but snide remarks and condescending jesters. All the IDLY, we are not compatiable, I have more things in common with OW, I'm in love w/OW, This marriage is dead, I dislike coming home, 16ys is nothing if you're not happy,the secret phone lines and secret FB accounts, the pictures w/OW and her kids, the dinners, the ring and roses he gave her, the protecting inlaws, etc. etc. I didn't think about it then but boy does those words ring loud in my ear now. Even my SIL's are trying to apologize for supporting him in his A. I take your advice and think seriously about seeking counseling. I need to be done with this. I can't believe it is consuming so much of my life.
Trust me, speaking from personal experience, the faster you get IC to get through your emotions the better. I didn't and now I struggle every day with residual pain and emotions from the bomb and subsequent 'stuff'.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I've been working through some emotions the past few days. H continues to display acts of kindness and verbally reasurring me that he wants to work on making our relationship work. I told him that my heart needs time to heal and that we can continue to take it one day at a time. Something H said make me curious though...H claims he doesn't remember half the nasty things he said to me. He says he was not himself and doesn't know why he said those things to me and obviously doesn't mean them. Hmmmm
25yearsMLC has stuff her H also doesn't recall, and she somehow put the past behind her and moved forward. Maybe a marriage workshop will help you rebuild trust?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
25yearsMLC has stuff her H also doesn't recall, and she somehow put the past behind her and moved forward. Maybe a marriage workshop will help you rebuild trust?
absolutely he does not recall many of the things he said.
For instance, I know where I was and what I was doing when I asked h if he was "willing to take the chance of losing his family for Alaska, OR if he thought I was bluffing". (I was in our copper sink bathroom, doing spackling...FWIW)
and he said "I guess I'm willing to take the chance of losing you guys" (POSSIBLY b/c I gave him a lose lose selection??)
He insists to this day he'd "never say ANYTHING like 'losing our family is a chance I'd be willing to take', it's not something I'd be willing to do..EVER.."
And I believe him in that HE doe not recall saying it. Why lie now?
IS it important? IF it were true NOW, heck yeah.
If it's not true, or isn't true NOW, then I'm focussing on the part of our vows where we say
"from this day forward...."
Hope that makes sense.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My xh says the same thing. He doesn't remember the hurtful things he said or did. Sometimes still things come up and he looks completely confused. It boggles my mind!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
A.S. >>My IC was glad to see that I am mentally in a better place.She believes that everyone has a point of no return and although we love our partners, if the partner does not turn things around while the window to our hearts are open,the window of opportunity gets narrower and narrower. She seems to think that my window is closing because I have allowed the A to consume my energy which is needed to create and maintain already healthly relationships. She suggests a no pressure approach. The same time(8mos)and space I allowed H during the A, she wants me to allow myself or more. She wants me to relax, continue to exercise and work on decreasing my stress levels. I cannot make life changing decisions under pressure. There's a healing process before a total restoration is achieved.
Adinva/25Yrs/Mishaka >>It is mind bogging. I thought he just didn't want to face or own up to those horrible things or had selective memory. I want to be able to believe and trust again. Not just for my marriage but for myself. I have this wall built up around my heart and I feel secure in it.
Something H said make me curious though...H claims he doesn't remember half the nasty things he said to me.
I've experienced this as well. Not so much nasty or mean things, but W seems to have an extremely short memory when it comes to any kind of R or M comments. It's pretty strange because she's always had a fantastic memory, but ever since BD it's gotten spotty, and it seems to be spotty only about R and M stuff. I'm getting quite used to hearing "I don't remember ever saying that." LOL! I do think she's being genuine too, her body language and facial expressions tell me she really doesn't remember it. Seems to be fairly common not just with WAS's but with MLCers too.
I know that doesn't make it any easier for you to stomach what he said, and even if he doesn't remember it he SHOULD apologize for it (because hopefully he trusts you enough to know you're not making it up). I'm just mentioning it to let you know that he is probably being genuine when he says he doesn't remember.
Originally Posted By: TheBestMeICanBe
A.S. >>My IC was glad to see that I am mentally in a better place.She believes that everyone has a point of no return and although we love our partners, if the partner does not turn things around while the window to our hearts are open,the window of opportunity gets narrower and narrower.
This sounds like the older traditional approach to IC. Michele talks about this a bit in the beginning of DR, about how traditional IC is all about preparing the spouses to leave the marriage rather than trying to save it at all costs. It's based on the assumption that once people make the choice to end things, there's no turning it around and IC is all about helping them to end things in the cleanest way possible. Obviously Michele disagrees with this approach now although I think she said she was originally schooled in that approach. Her attitide now is that people can ALWAYS change their minds and hearts and the answer isn't to make D as easy as possible, the answer is to pave the way for the WAS to change their mind and come back to the marriage, and to make sure the M they come back to is far superior to what they were in before. Your H loved you at one point, and then decided he didn't love you, and now has decided he loves you again. You in turn loved him, and now are not sure you do. BUT... you CAN change your mind again just like he did and like many others have. Just give yourself some time to sort it through
Your H loved you at one point, and then decided he didn't love you, and now has decided he loves you again. You in turn loved him, and now are not sure you do. BUT... you CAN change your mind again just like he did and like many others have. Just give yourself some time to sort it through [/quote]
I've thought about this and you are absolutely correct. I want to change my mind and I want things to work out. I just need to get my heart and mind on the same page. More time
