I am sure you may not notice, but in front of other people you really distance yourself and act like you can't stand me.
Is this true? That's ending a bad message to your W. I suspect there may be some truth in it because I sense the same kind of approach in your posts here. The distancing part is true. I definitely gave her plenty of space the other day when our paths crossed. I don't act like I can't stand her by any means, just pulled back a little. Obviously this is how she feels, so I need to change the way I engage her. To be honest, we have been in contact with other people, maybe 2 or 3 times since BD. She is projecting a little on this.
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Then you tell everyone you invited me and I choose not to go.
Don't do that!!! If she doesn't go then just shrug your shoulders and go. This isn't about scorekeeping! It's OK to talk about it here, but not to friends & family! That just comes off as bitter!
She called me questioning why I was planning a get together and who would be there, as if my life is not allowed to continue without her permission. She was fairly accusitory in her voice. I nicely told her who, what and when about my plans. I also said, "you are welcome to join us". She declined. During the get together our mutual friends had spoke with her prior to arriving. More than likely that is how she found out about the get together. They questioned me about her, and I simply said "I invited her and she opted not to come". Again, she is projecting a little of her own feelings and probably mind reading. I don't know how else I could have handled that situation
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I would like to speak with you about this. I have a lot of the same feelings as you do....i really would like to get passed this portion of our lives. The confusion and stress is breaking me down as well....it shouldn't be happening to us. The lack of trust, the alienation, the miss-understandings.....its all too much.
No, no, no!!!! This isn't about what YOU are feeling, it's about what SHE is feeling!!! Shut up and listen! Validate her emotions!!! Let HER do the talking!
You are absolutely right. I need to back myself out of the focus....I need to remember, LISTEN, LISTEN and VALIDATE, VALIDATE.
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It sounds like you don't either.
NOOOOO! Don't tell her what she's feeling!! Let her tell you!
Again, you are absolutely RIGHT.....darnit. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I need a lot of work on my listening skills and validation.
Sorry for the 2x4, but this is all wrong! You've got a real opportunity here to listen and validate, don't waste it by telling her what your feelings are or by pretending you already know what hers are, or that you're feeling the exact same thing. All of those things minimize her feelings and push her away. She needs to do 80% of the talking, you just speak enough to let her know you're listening and to encourage her to continue to open up.
Thanks, I am going to take that 2x4 with pride. I need it, and I will really concentrate on taking this opertunity to let her express herself. I will listen. I will validate. I will stay upbeat and supportive. Thanks
