Wife said she was done!

[Maritimer]

Thanks for chiming in AnotherStander, I appreciate a voice of reason!

Not sure why she would want to leave such a good father to the boys.

You've got to set aside this attitude, I think we all go through the process of wondering why our spouse would even consider leaving such a terrific husband and model father, but the truth of the matter is she does NOT see you that way. What she sees is a man bogged down with a number of major issues preventing him from being even a mediocre husband. You've got to see yourself through her eyes, and you have got to do 180's on those faults, and you have to maintain those 180's consistently for months and months. Then she might change her mind about you.

I need to stop focusing on the “why” and think how can continue to improve the situation now. I guess it gets frustrating that myself, friends and family notice a much improved me and she gives no acknowledgement of my change. I need to understand it will take a lot longer than I would like for her to recognize my changes. I keep telling myself that I am prepared to move on without her but my happy children keep reminding me how good a nuclear family would be.

I feel that should tell her exactly what i think about the situation.

Exactly the wrong thing to do. Don't trust your feelings, they are wrong. DB'ing is what works, it is often counterintuitive because it is the opposite of what our feelings tell us to do.

My desperation for me wanting to talk about the situation is fear that if she moves into her own home that all chances are lost. I am creating scenarios in my head that don’t exist..” what if she starts dating a guy & he moves in with my children,” that type of negative stuff.

I think it is selfish of her to only to look out for herself where breaking up the family and leaving will hurt me and the boys tremendously.

What about her? Do you have any concerns about how she feels? Do you think this is easy for her? It's not, she's in a lot of turmoil over it even if she doesn't show it on the outside. Do you realize that when you say she's being "selfish" for leaving because it will hurt you that it is actually YOU being selfish? This isn't about what you want. In her eyes she spent years giving you what you want and getting nothing in return. True or not, that's how she sees it. That's what you're up against.

I am concerned about her feelings but where I don’t see them I assume she is comfortable with the change. We use to be best friends and I miss her confiding in me. My view on the selfish thing is that I wont be seeing my children everyday. It will hurt me greatly not to be there when they wake up or the hugs and kisses each night. She will be taking that from me so it will be hard not to be resentful for that.

There are so many questions i want to ask but i need to give her space. I keep reminding myself to be patience.

Read other threads and sitches on here. All those questions you want to ask, others here have already been there and done that and they NEVER get satisfying answers. More often than not those questions are answered with "I don't know." That's why you shouldn't ask, because asking is pressure and you're not going to get answers anyway.

I picked up the “5 love languages” and “Desperate marriage” and I need to finish the DR. Lots of reading to catch up on!

Advise is greatly welcome