I'm feeling achy and coughing a bit. I think I have caught whatever H has. I did not call him yesterday, nor did I hear from him while I was working. I had planned to go eat and have a drink after work but when I got home H was there and still in bed. He had not moved since I left for work. I asked and he said he did not eat or take any meds. Jeezzz...I prepared him something to eat and a hot beverage and meds. Afterward, he wanted some snacks and watch a movie. Needless to say I was very tired after working and doing all that when I got home. I actually fell asleep during the movie. I awoke at 3am still on lying on H on the couch. I felt awful and took some meds then got in the bed. H came and cuddled up close to me. Now we are both sick. ugh... Slept for a few more hours and back to work this morning.
Update: After taking care of H while he was sick, he couldn't wait to get better and get out the weekend. As soon as his health improved, he started talking about how depressed he was and how he needed to go drink and hang out at his sisters. Needless to say, his hanging out turned into not coming home until the next day and when he did come home he acted all bummed out and sad.
Monday o H: Acting pitiful/remorseful o Me: Non-responsive. Acting as if nothing is wrong. Prayed • Tuesday Night H: Checked my phone records and questioned a call from male friend (who was wishing me happy birthday last week) Me: Advised BDay wish H: Acted as if he was angry. Took his wedding band off and slept on the couch Me: Non-responsive. Acting as if nothing is wrong (was restless though. Did not sleep well. Curious why he would do these things that obviously hurt me) Prayed Wednesday Morning H: Still on couch Me:No reaction. Got dressed. Prayed. Told him to have a good day and left for work. H: Texted me this morning asking if I removed his ring from the dresser Me: No response to text H: Called my cell Me: No Response H: Called the office twice. I answered the second time. Me: Calm. Told him I did not look for the ring ( I have it and will keep it) H: He’s looking for his ring (WTF) Me: Sent H the following text msg: Taking your ring off made me think last night. You act as if you are happy when you are away from me but act sad or angry when you are home with me. I don't want us to be together if I make you so unhappy. I need love, respect, fun and stability in my life. I want the same for you. It takes two people working together to make a marriage work. I feel like I am the only person trying to save our marriage and I don't want to do this alone anymore. H: No response via text regarding my message but last night I noticed a change in his demeanor. He was more upbeat. Talked alot about the positives of his job and things that he wants to improve around our home and some things he wants to do for me. This was better than the sad faces and constant complaining that brings me down. Later on he sent me a few texts from the house with pictures of me and captions of how he like them. Then he sent me a picture of him and asked me if I like it.
No ML this week as I have backed off from that because of H's late night outings but H did put his arms around me this morning before I got up for work.
I do not know what impact my msg will be but I am so tired of being disrespected in my home. Late nights and constant complaining keeps my spirits low. Keeps me depressed. If does not want our marriage then he should leave not keep me in Purgatory.
It's been a week since I've posted and I really needed that time to get my emotions under control. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. As soon as I think I have it all together, I end up back at square one again trying to dig myself out of the pit of purgatory. I realize that I have been focusing too much on H and not enough on me. I've allowed his inconsistency and inability to decide what he wants from life and our R to affect how I perceive myself and how I move forward with my life. This is something I am working to improve on.
H states he has decided to move out and get his own apartment. I told him that I support whatever decision he makes. He wants me to sit down with him to divide our material assets. I told H that he could take whatever he wants but be sure to take his dogs as I am not in a position to care for them. H said in that case he would take nothing. But, he does not want any other man in our home if I should decide to date. (WTF) I did not respond to this nonsense. Since this discussion, H said he feels better as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. I did not respond otherthan telling him it is his decision and I support whatever it is.
Now I'm mentally, financially and emotionally preparing for H to move out. I don't know when that is going to be so I try to enjoy each day as it comes. I continue to maintain a happy and healthy attitude. I dress and look nice everyday and H as complimented me on my appearance. I pray daily and every morning with H before we leave. I purposely avoid any mention of our situation but I do ask for God's will to be done in our lives.
I'm trying to mentally and emotionally prepare as well. My H will not sit down and talk about anything. I was very upset at first, but now I am mad. I tried to be nice and felt like a doormat. I am making every effort to not be a witch, but have given up on being extra nice.
It does get easier. I've started to focus on what I can do to support our D and how H is leaving me and breaking up the family. I've acknowledged what I've done wrong and have made concious efforts to change those things, but will not longer feel like it is my fault that the M is failing.
I've been looking nice as well, and it does help us feel better. All you can do is continue to pray and let God work his way.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
It's been awhile since I've posted and quite a bit has happened. Well I'll get to the point quickly. Last post H decided to move out and on with his life. With that, I too decided to move on and worked extra hard on GAL and focusing on me. And I mean focusing on me and only me to the point where H even said he felt that I have moved on and did not care for him anymore. Stood my ground on the boundaries I set, met some new friends, excluded H from my FB, did not call, text or ask H for anything. No ILY, No cooking, No laundry, Nothing. Then something.. H said he made the worst mistake of his life, etc, etc, etc.... He sincerely apologized and said the A was over. Said he made it clear to OW that he did not want to lose me and would whatever he needed to save our M. I did not ask but H provided full disclosure. I did not immediately agree to reconcile because I was doing such a good job at GAL that it was no longer a priority to me. I can say that GAL is crucial to DB success.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
360 emotions..With everything H has said and done, I knew I would begin to feel differently but not this way. I have begun to relive the horrible things H has said to me in my head. As a result, I feel offended all over again But I'm not hurt or crying anymore, just uncaring. It's like I don't love him the same. I feel like I'm a fool for accepting him back. I notice he's trying but it's like, I don't care anymore. I told H how I feel. I can't shake it. H wants to go to counseling but I'm not sure about it now. When I wanted us to continue counseling during the A, He didn't think he needed it. I don't like how I feel and I'm not sure how this will turn out.
I've read quite a few stories about people who have gone through exactly what you're going through right now. You tried to get him back and when it seemed that wasn't going to happen, you built a wall around yourself to protect yourself emotionally from him. Now he's back, but you can't just take that wall down overnight. It went up one brick at a time and it needs to come down the same way.
I think we get so focused on trying to get our spouses back that we tend to set aside the fact that THEY have problems too. While they rewrite history and remember nothing but bad things about us, we similarly rewrite history and remember nothing but the good about them. We ignore our own concerns about the M and focus 100% on trying to bring them back. Then if/ when they do come back, suddenly all those thoughts and emotions that we've been suppressing come bubbling up and demand to be addressed. And sometimes the shift is so dramatic that the LBS becomes a WAS.
I would suggest you do go to counseling, even if not to save the M, to just help you sort through your thoughts. Right now you might need IC more than MC.
I mentioned that since I'm backing off, he's been trying to engage more. Sandi2 37rules specially state not to pursue but allow him to do that. My "H" has actually begun to ask me to call him before leaving for work every morning. I don't know if he as caught on to what I am trying to do OR if he is actually wanting to talk to me. When we do talk, he asks that we meet up for lunch. Again, this puts me in a position where backing off is difficult to do. I don't want to push him away or ignore the fact that he is trying to spend his time with me verses the OW.
Your thoughts...
Accept some, but not all of the invitations. Appear busy or preoccupied with something else that prevents accepting all invitations. I read another book called the Passion Trap, and he argues for "healthy distance" versus trying to just create distance.
