almost 3 months....seems like eternity

[25yearsmlc]

Maybe your W thinks all those years you were demanding and hypercritical she was putting in an effort. Eventually she had had enough and then suddenly you wanted to work on the marriage.

I think you are correct. I believe this is exactly how my wife feels. She has expressed this very thing.

THEN LISTEN TO HER...STOP COMING UP WITH A REVISED VERSION OF YOUR MARRIAGE IN WHICH SHE IS "GUILTIER" THAN YOU, B/C THAT'S MORE OF YOUR SCORECARD & FROM WHAT YOU SAID HERE EARLIER, IT'S NOT AN ACCURATE ONE..SO YOU ARE NOT HELPING YOUR CAUSE WITH IT.

And that's fine but everything you bring up is within your control to change and most of it isn't about her.
It's all about your anger and your need to be right and your fear that you might somehow be taken advantage of, she might get one over on you.

I would guess you were hypercritical because you were afraid your W would embarrass you in some way.

You don't want to be what you perceive as humiliated. That's your issue, in your control.

I am not so sure about this one. I have been hypercritical for a very long time, long before W came into the picture. It is actually a family trait I beleieve. However, the fear of humiliation or failure is likely what drives it, but I am not sure.

I don't care what your justification for being a critical person is. It means you criticize other people and that's not kind. It's the opposite of kindness.

You seem to think it's the moral equivalent of a preference for broccoli. It's not. It's UNKIND behavior and it wears people down and it wears people out.

It kills love.

So if you want to save the marriage, or just become a better man, then stop your focus on HER behavior and all your judgemental attitude about it. Every time you get the urge to bash her (or however you characterize it), then get out the mirror and take the plank out first.

Plus, you admit you have NOT shown her any of your changes...WTH?

Then you blame her for 'choosing to leave" and "not working" on the m, as if she has evidence of your changing...which you admit she does not. So to HER, you still are not working on the marriage, at least not much.

And you seem to suggest she never warned you that it hurts to be criticized. (You mean to say you didn't know it hurt her feelings? Seriously? What'd you think, that she liked it?)

And you admit that you are still "thrifty" with the compliments, even after she said it hurt her feelings you rarely said a kind word to her. Yes it is a scorecard thing. You sooo miss the boat here. You think somehow complimenting her weakens you or somehow gives her something FROM YOU...but it "generates a return", SP. It does "pay off" if that is what you seek. For God's sake, the lack of affirming words has always puzzled me.

It always improves m's. Often it also improves how the recipient expresses love b/c you model it for them. You make it "safer" for them to compliment you...you show her love, she gets it, and then she expresses hers more too...

Ironically you mentioned here, almost as a complaint, that she is beautiful and other men will be interested in her. That she "won't have to pursue" and she does not pursue. Yet you want her to pursue you and this is despite seeing no change in you AND having a good reason for leaving and not even blaming you much. Just saying you two "lost the connection" and are not compatible. Now to hear you tell it, it's HER FAULT...and she had no reason for leaving...wth??
It's like you have amnesia...

Since she is beautiful, Do you TELL HER that she is beautiful? I don't mean "now & then", but often? And you mentioned earlier, (but rarely since) that she is "very loyal" and that she is "an excellent mother"...so, do you value her loyalty and her mothering? Do you tell her this often?

To hear you talk about her child care, you'd think she was eating bon bons all day watching TV "in her PJs". So, What's caring for your d like, for YOU?

Do you think it's a breeze to do all day? Oh, and then add a few other kids to the mix...is that really EASY to you? Have you ever done it? I couldn't.

What's with complaining, now, that her salary was too high "for HER"?

Oh, it's more of you cricitizing. Man, I hope you open your eyes SOON.

I worry that you won't just lose her and the marriage. I worry about what you will attract & keep, in your future with this habit of yours.

Good luck SP, truly, I hope the best for you. I have no idea what your childhood was like so I get that I might be missing out on huge deficits in your past. That must be where you learned to criticize. But here, you seem to be saying your family is fine.

So I'm confused about how you really feel regarding what you learned from them. Sometimes we have to let go of some of what our parents taught us. It isn't working for us in our lives.

For instance, My dad was a raging alcoholic for a chunk of my life. I learned from him some things NOT to do...my mom would whisper her negative comments to us, never directly addressing my dad. I learned from her that passive aggressive behavior is NOT effective.

I loved them both. They both had great traits as well as their flaws. But those negative behaviors did not help me live well or happily. I had to unlearn them. I had to replace them with healthy behaviors and I did that with tools I got in an Essential Experience workshop, along with some good therapy.

Good luck!