Still confused...about everything.

[BRNR]

Thank you all for your support, criticisms, and words of advice...

AJ-I am stressed and emotional because of my health not because of H directly. I went through this last year and the worries and medical probing took a toll on me...

I know I did not cause anything for this MLC to happen to H and it would have happened no matter who he was with, where he was in his life, and who he had around him...but, I still do have empathy for the man that I love, that he has to go through this. Empathy as a wife, not a friend, as I can't shut off my feelings for him, no matter how hard I have tried in the months going through this.

At the end of the day, do I want my husband back? Yes I do. In any form he is given to me.

This is clear to me, and this is how my mindset is.

The thing that I am trying to get past and causes me further concern is all the damage that is still being done while he is in the state that he is in....and not just damage to me, but damage to himself, our children, and others that love him dearly and as much as I do.

I do have a survivor attitude and am a strong person. I have come from a poverty stricken, drug and alcohol abusive, and emotionally abondoned childhood where I had to grow up quickly. Today, I am a very successful, with my career, my children, and my home and it's surroundings...I have overcome a lot of odds being the person I am today. Most people in my situation (including people like my brother) continue to grow up in this life style....so understand...I have buckled up before and endured the long haul...all my life, and ready to go through this part like I have everything else.

With all that said, I am human...and we all get our moments in life where we breakdown, fall apart, and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...for me, I just see so many tunnels, that I am not sure which one I want to go down yet, and as soon as I think I know and start to go down it, I find that it is not the one I want, and back track out of it. This is my confusion...what to focus on...myself, my children, building my life to where I want it...it all takes some getting used to when we are thrown so far off track and a lot of time...not overnight.

I am important, and want to get better, but I want a lot of things to get better. Surely, everyone on this board could understand that...and yes, we all need help. I am learning to get help as I have done everyhting myself (or with H). Again, not something that happens overnight...another process and 180 for me, that is slowly happening, mostly because I don't have many people I can rely on....yet.

Everyone is right when they say don't worry about H or how he reacts...but I do...I guess I am human in that way...I will try to heed these words though and do my best.

Okay, okay, so enough about my medical issues...I know I will get through this again, and who knows, it may not even be anything or as dramatic as it was last year...after all, I did go through it once, and can do it again...it should be easier this time, right?

Thank you to my DB family...you are the start of me building my new life, new attitude.

I will stumble along the way and ask for support often. DB'ing has gotten me through these 4-5 months with some semblance of sanity in the area that troubles me the most...my marriage. And it has gotten me through it in the best way for me, because trust me I have advice from friends to file for divorce, do what he has done to me in return, and just let him walk all over me. This advice I have received is not the person I am or ever want to be, now or in the future. I look for hope that I can have the life I had pre-bomb drop, and if that is with H, then great, but if not than so be it. We all have to have goals and dreams...that is what keeps us going at the end of the day...if it wasn't, than what do we have to live for?