almost 3 months....seems like eternity

[swoop]

[quote=suckerpunch]I haven't posted for a few days. to be honest, I have really been thinking about my goals. I am not sure if I want to continue to live like this. yesterday, my wife was out visiting with friends on our property while I was trying to do the same. We avoided each other and kept our distance, but it was a bit awkward. Daughter was not happy when it was time for us to leave, because she didn't understand that today was "daddy's day to have her". W was making dinner for our friends and their kids. Daughter and I were not invited. That is really not fair to my little girl!

It was YOUR day w/d. Your w did not want to invite You, or didn't feel she could.

But we all know if she'd asked your d to be with HER, instead of you on your day with d, you'd be here fuming about YOUR time with d being eroded or cut into...

man, you are so used to being angry it's like you are not comfortable in another mode. Learn other modes...

Actually that whole thing was pertaining to my D. I harbored no anger at all. Perhaps I am just not properly expressing myself in words. What I tried to say was, It was unfair for D to be put in that situation. She wanted to spend time with her friends, with her mommy, with her daddy. There was no real way around that, given the close proximity to where we live and sociailze. I guess we all could have spent the time together, but that was not an option put on the table. I don't know what else to say about it.We literally live 500 feet apart. D knows that.

You've been here since late November. Not even 6 months. I have a post for you to read. IT's from a WAW to an LBS h. A h who actually had changed a lot...b/c he wanted to know why his WAW had not returned to him, since he'd changed and all...[/color]

FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that...

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and or OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "win".

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
_______________________

SuckerPunch, any of this^^ seem applicable to your sitch? It does to me.

It absolutely does. Thank you for sharing. It sheds more insight on what I need to work on more.

It doesn't seem fair to me, that I have to feel awkward in my own home/property/business and continue to pay her freight at the same time. This was her choice, and it may be time for her to feel the actual consequences.

and YOU had nothing to do with her choice, right? She just went nuts and left...I guess you forgot AnotherStander's words...so fast!

I did not forget the words, and they carry a lot of weight with me. I have owned my role in the breakdown of our M. However, my W also played a role, one equal to or worse than mine in actuality. While I was willing and wanting to work on our M, wife chose to leave without putting in an effort. Call it what you want, paint it how you may. That is how it happened. If W would have made a some effort to mend the fences before flat giving up, we would have a very different situation right now.

I don't want to beat a dead horse. I just think your present approach consists of more of the same old you.

Where's the change? You are "uncomfortable" in your own property, as if she isn't aware of what she might lose.

The real question is why she'd give so much up, "just" in the hopes of a happier r with someone. I suspect she hoped you would have an awakening and maybe you began to, but when it got too long for you or you didn't get immediate results, you threw in the towel.

In my opinion you are confirming for her that she cannot find happiness with you and her choice to leave may be right.

I haven't changed my DBing approach, other than going a little darker. I don't really know why you would suspect that things haven't changed? Perhaps they haven't. to be honest, you are really opening my eyes with your posts. I really do need to do some more inner searching and re-thinking of myself. I hope to do that.

I think having no contact with her, not seeing her drive up, not accidentally running into her in the driveway, etc. will make my healing process much easier as well. The only side effect from this will be her anger for throwing her out on the street, which will more than likely hurt our chances of R'ing. Truthfully, I don't foresee us getting back together based on her attitude since day one, so the worry of reconciling may be a moot point. I do not see an opertunity where her feelings towards our marriage will change, at least not any time soon. Unfortunately, I am not willing to wait much longer given our current living situation. I definitely do not want my estragend W living over the top of my business with literally thousands of my customers seeing and knowing what is going on all season long.

The only change I have noticed lately is W has been sharing a little more with me when she calls to speak with D. The other day she was telling me about going snow skiing with friends that she met on new years eve. (I have been asking her to go skiing with D and I for a few years, she has always declined.) I listened to her story, and I was upbeat and interested, but the whole time I'm thinking to myself "goodbye goodbye, I really don't want to hear what a fun time you're having without us".
[color:#CC0000]
Gee, you don't sound "Upbeat and interested"...you sound weirdly resentful of any time she has when she's not miserable. That is a pattern for you. If she is happy and she's not with you, you resent it. That is sad and not loving.

you could be very correct in this. I do not know why I feel this way, but I can't see feeling any different. I will be the first to admit, it does make me feel bad when she is happy doing things that I expressed a want to do with her in the past. It just doesn't make me feel warm inside that my W is happy to share fun new things with me, knowing that I am hurt and unhappy that I cannot do them as well....I don't know what else to make of this.

Last week she phoned and shared with me that she passed her final on her insurance test and scored a 91. All she has left is the state exam. She already has a job to slip right into full time. Again, I was upbeat and interested. I expressed that I was proud of her.

The last few phone conversations have gone like this. I don't understand the reason she wants to share now. Perhaps the pursue/retreat dynamic, but I am not sure. I have definitely not been reaching out to her. unfortunately, her desire to initiate contact or engage me stops there. We only communicate when she is phoning to speak with D or about D.
[color:#660000]
Since it was mainly your behavior that caused the demise of the marriage, why would she pursue you? Do do you still not see your role in this? I mean, you once admitted it but I'm not sure you still see it that way.

It gets hard to be responsible for our choices more than a few painful hours...doesn't it?

It is funny that you say this because I have been thinking about it ALOT. Originally after BD, I thought it was all my fault. I had this image of my W being a perfect being, flawless by design. Since then, I see more clearly. She is indeed as much to blame for the demise of our marriage as I am. She definitely did not play a role of innocense in this. With that said, DBing tells me that I have to pull back, detach, GAL, act as if. I am not SUPPOSED to pursue her. Where does that leave me?

As a last attempt, I felt I would offer her an opertunity to be included in an activity with D and I. We all have the entire day off, today. I texted W and asked if she would like to spend the day with us. She texted back that she was trying to sleep off a headache and that we should go on without her. She, "might call when she woke up". Well, that was it for me. I WILL NOT be offering any more activities. I see no reason to put forth the effort anymore.

Wow, way to show loving concern and empathy for the wife....you blew an opportunity to show the new you.

I repsonded to her by saying I hope she feels better. I furthered it by bringing dinner to her apartment so W would not have to cook tonight. I vented here, but I think I was showing some empathy and caring towards her. How can I have handled it differently?

But let's ask the hardest question, SP...IS THERE A NEW YOU??


--- I have worked on my own issues and feel I am making good gains.

where? Seriously, I'm being sincere. How are you not the same guy you were before the BD??

Well, I am definitely calmer. I am definitely less critical, or at least I am aware enough to remind myself to be less critical. I am much better at showing appreciation for people. I don't know, I just feel that I am a better man, and becoming even better each day. Before BD, I never even took a look in the mirror in regards to my inner self. Just ACKNOWLEDGING that I have things to work on is a huge step in the right direction for me.