Look, let's get something straight here and now. You did NOT cause him to do what he did. You did NOT. (repeat that several times until it feels normal to say that.)
He was going to do these things regardless of whom he married.
Now. Enough of him and his issues. I can tell you that many of us on this board got the speech at the same time we had deep and difficult family/medical issues going on. Many.
Know what makes the difference? Attitude. Not chip on your shoulder type of attitude. Survivor/thriver attitude.
Ever see an old person on the street and wonder how they got that way? They got that way because they were lucky and figured out how to survive and thrive regardless of the obstacles that got on their path. They learned. They overcame. They learned some more.
You are very lucky to live in this day and age of modern medicine. But to get the full effect, you have to change your attitude from fear to confidence. You have to be able to focus (yes focus) on becoming a team member with your medical team. You must focus and pay attention and direct. Just like you would if it were one of your kids.
Your family will survive. But they'll do much better if you take care of yourself and get healed. What happens between now and then is life and may require some sacrifices to get there. Learn that. Some things are not as important as you being healthy. Some things, if missed won't be missed nearly as much as you will be. I assure you.
I lost my mother to cancer when I was 16. She was all class and the best mom. But she spent the time focusing on getting better. She beat the odds for years longer than the docs thought she would; they didn't know why. I do. And I still remember the lessons she was there to teach me. The love she gave me. The sacrifices we all gave for each other. I would have been really upset (some of it later) if she had focused on me rather than her health. I wanted my mother, not my basketball career (right, like I would have had one), or my soccer career (again, right...) or... She gave me her best, and she focused on her health and getting better. She didn't let other things get in the way of that either.
Get yourself focused on what's important and let the rest go. You. Your health. Being there for your kids when they learn to drive. Graduate high school. Their first date. Your past is past and you can't change that. Your H made his choices and you can't change those. You didn't cause them either! But you can look at tomorrow and figure out what you're going to do for YOU and for tomorrow. Don't waste that time wondering why or what if. Spend the time focusing on your health - both mental and physical. It's time well spent. And your kids will benefit from it as will you even if you can't see those changes being beneficial yet.
You can make room in your life for both you and your kids. You will. But you must also realize that you will need help. And you will need to let go of the things that are less important. If your H steps up and takes care of those less important things, then great. If not, the kids will survive. It's important that you do as well. To do that, you need to take care of you and let the emotions roll off as they come.
Then you'll find that infinite bucket of strength is really there for you to use
And don't worry what your H says when you talk to him about it. It's on him to figure out what he's going to do and when. You have your marching orders...
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
