I haven't posted for a few days. to be honest, I have really been thinking about my goals. I am not sure if I want to continue to live like this. yesterday, my wife was out visiting with friends on our property while I was trying to do the same. We avoided each other and kept our distance, but it was a bit awkward. Daughter was not happy when it was time for us to leave, because she didn't understand that today was "daddy's day to have her". W was making dinner for our friends and their kids. Daughter and I were not invited. That is really not fair to my little girl! Therefore, I've been thinking more and more about asking her to move on, regardless of her financial situation she just needs to find her own place to be. Thus far, she has made zero effort to establish her own living situation and medical insurance. It doesn't seem fair to me, that I have to feel awkward in my own home/property/business and continue to pay her freight at the same time. This was her choice, and it may be time for her to feel the actual consequences. I think having no contact with her, not seeing her drive up, not accidentally running into her in the driveway, etc. will make my healing process much easier as well. The only side effect from this will be her anger for throwing her out on the street, which will more than likely hurt our chances of R'ing. Truthfully, I don't foresee us getting back together based on her attitude since day one, so the worry of reconciling may be a moot point. I do not see an opertunity where her feelings towards our marriage will change, at least not any time soon. Unfortunately, I am not willing to wait much longer given our current living situation. I definitely do not want my estragend W living over the top of my business with literally thousands of my customers seeing and knowing what is going on all season long.
The only change I have noticed lately is W has been sharing a little more with me when she calls to speak with D. The other day she was telling me about going snow skiing with friends that she met on new years eve. (I have been asking her to go skiing with D and I for a few years, she has always declined.) I listened to her story, and I was upbeat and interested, but the whole time I'm thinking to myself "goodbye goodbye, I really don't want to hear what a fun time you're having without us". Last week she phoned and shared with me that she passed her final on her insurance test and scored a 91. All she has left is the state exam. She already has a job to slip right into full time. Again, I was upbeat and interested. I expressed that I was proud of her. The last few phone conversations have gone like this. I don't understand the reason she wants to share now. Perhaps the pursue/retreat dynamic, but I am not sure. I have definitely not been reaching out to her. unfortunately, her desire to initiate contact or engage me stops there. We only communicate when she is phoning to speak with D or about D.
last night I had a poor sleep, worrying about my marriage situation and trying to get a handle on her mindset, which I know is impossible. It was the first bad sleep I have had in a while, no doubt because of the contact with W during the day.
As a last attempt, I felt I would offer her an opertunity to be included in an activity with D and I. We all have the entire day off, today. I texted W and asked if she would like to spend the day with us. She texted back that she was trying to sleep off a headache and that we should go on without her. She, "might call when she woke up". Well, that was it for me. I WILL NOT be offering any more activities. I see no reason to put forth the effort anymore. I am simply going to detach, pull back and work solely on myself. My daughter and I will be my only focus at this point. I am not sure if that is what is considered "dropping the rope", doing the "LRT" or simply "Not DBing" any longer. I think I am basically giving up, but being cordial towards her. I have worked on my own issues and feel I am making good gains. I still need to turn them into a permanent part of me, but that will come in time. I will not stop working on myself, and I will continue to journal and share on here. Divorce Busters is a part of me now
