Hi 25yearsmic, You are right, my lawyer said the alimony is not forever. Still, I find it unfair. The access times will be renegotiated end of June, so for the moment I'm stuck with that plan. So do you know how long it'll be imposed? Does it also end in June?
I think You the court put your son in HIS best position b/c he doesn't know you well enough YET. That will change w/TIME...let time be your friend Bruce. I said that if I went back to France now, it would be a different jurisdiction, and I'm not sure that from Canada she could do anything. Any parent can flee a jurisdiction and hope the law isn't enforced...but you SAID you wanted time with your son...
--- Anyway, I didn't even mention to you the half of the property in France thing, because they want to plead it next time. We will plead unequal division, because it is obvious that when we married, I had all the money in my bank account, and she had 0. She can't three years after get away with several tens of thousands. I was only mentioning for now, the sum of spousal support, plus the childcare she claims to pay to her mum {she can claim any number, that's where I don't get it}, plus child support, equals almost half of what I earn. But she works part time, and added to the money I have to give every month, she earns more than me! Bruce, you are understandably upset and me explaining the reasons for the laws now, is NOT going to help either one of us.
A student that makes more than an engineer who works full-time!
So, thank you for your preliminary advice concerning my behaviour around her, I'll try and pretend it's okay for me to pay all of it every month...
THINK this out Bruce...what possible good does it do you to sulk around her NOW?
If she's evil, it'll make her happy that she "punished" you
but if she's sincerely just worried about her welfare & your son's (& he DOES benefit by the money, let's face it)
then you'd only look as if money was your priority AND when you don't get your way, you sulk and wallow in self pity.
You'll confirm her reasons for leaving. But you want to UNDERMINE those reasons, remember?
On our Thursday meeting, apparently, she agreed to drop our S every other time. (although she has been promising things and didn't keep her word in the past seven months), so we will be around each other, at least for 5 seconds at a time. MAYBE she'll show up and maybe not...but I don't think you'll see her at all if she gets nervous about it OR thinks you are pressuring her in any way...or if you are too angry around her... Now, do you think an email like that one is profitable at this point : When you say "profitable", I KNOW you don't mean money.
But I'm not clear on the goal in contacting her now.
What's your goal this soon after a court hearing?
I would say nothing you don't have to say for now. And Bruce, I mean NOTHING.
LET HER initiate any/all contact Hi W, Mr. XXX (her L) is right in one thing, we will have to cooperate now and build trust between us. I will take the parenting course like I said, go by the rules we talked about and try and do my best. The idea of the S log book was a good one, and I got S one for us to write in it.
none of this^^ is necessary. OF course you'll take the parenting class, And of course you'll obey the rules the court imposed,
so why highlight what you MUST (or already agreed to) do?
Same as "try and do my best". As for the comment "idea of the S log book was good"--not sure whose idea it was,
but I think it sounds as if you are trying to compliment her or get a bonus point for some reason and, given what you just went thru, I don't see the reason for it.
It seems a little weird to me, since you are both angry. (But it's Just my gut)
Since we have to alternate picking ups and dropping offs, do you want to start on Tuesday, or should I begin? Take care, B. MAYBE this^^^^ can be said, but only IF it's something you cannot resolve by other means. Why can't you call someone else to relay the information?
IF it were me, I'd let HER do the contacting or go through a 3rd party
b/c that would be the FIRST/ONLY time you'd have gone a different route and not contacted her directly...which always looks like pursuit or controlling behavior, to HER.
The other times looked like you were using an excuse to contact her and really, in a way, isn't this more of the same?
Since you know you MAY have to see her soon enough (IF she allows)
why push it now? I think It increases the chances that she won't see you.
B/C I think she'll pull back if she senses you STILL want contact with her... don't give that to her right now.
If this is too "pursuing" at this stage (two days after hearing), knowing that she was super-sullen and looked very angry on Friday, any ideas of how I should hold the stick?
Alright my friends, any idea is welcome, just shoot, I'm all ears, Bruce
What's that sentence mean? (Honestly I don't know what you mean by "Hold the stick". ) Can you explain or,
have we covered it enough?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi everybody, I spent the week-end close to Banff, in the rockies, to help me forget. HollyAnn, I was impressed with the golden uterus women, and I can certainly see some traits in my W. She isn't all the way GU though, and I want to believe that she'll be more reasonable in the (near) future. Thank you for your understanding though, it puts balm on my heart.
With my proposed email (which I won't send), I guess I wanted to score points, showing that I wasn't mad (even if...no comment). The stuff I was recalling (the log book for S activities, the parenting course, the picking up) were stuff we discussed and agreed on Thursday during our meeting with our two Ls, the day before the hearing (which was Friday). I probably won't get a bonus point at this moment for showing myself reasonable and conciliatory...
I kind of despise myself for not being mad enough and wanting to forgive so fast. I mean, it's the way I am, I am uncapable of holding a grudge for more than two hours. Even during our M, I would soften in ten minutes while W would stay mad for days. I don't even know how it is possible to keep a grudge for more than a day.
Anyway, the court order runs through end of June for now, but the judge (who by the way admitted he didn't read the files...) said that obviously everything would need to be re-discussed at the pre-trial anytime after June. And W can legally ask for D anytime after 18 June... so I don't know at the moment if time is my friend or plays against me.
So, whenever I have a contact with W, I'll try to show myself not concerned about the money matters. Showing myself sullen won't help my cause.
As for a third party to transmit the info that now W will have to drop S, who can that be? My L? Her L? Her parents? Isn't a short email simpler and less sneaky?
Finally, the holding the stick expression, I only meant, how do I start this new episode? The dynamic has radically changed now, and I need help in defining the base for my adapted behavior.
Have a good beginning of week everyone, Bruce
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
"I kind of despise myself for not being mad enough and wanting to forgive so fast. "
Seriously? Your behavior has shown that you didn't "forgive" her for anything. In fact, her reasons were valid and were not "wrong". Once you actually start looking things through her eyes, you'll stop wondering what to do and know.
" how do I start this new episode? "
You actually start doing what everyone's been recommending you do. Especially 25's suggestions. You focus on yourself and your son and you start developing compassion and understanding for your W.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I kind of despise myself for not being mad enough and wanting to forgive so fast. "
Seriously? Your behavior has shown that you didn't "forgive" her for anything. In fact, her reasons were valid and were not "wrong". Once you actually start looking things through her eyes, you'll stop wondering what to do and know. Gotta agree with this^^ Bruce. Your furious rage about the "Divorce settlement' was about a TEMPORARY support order, Bruce.
She had nothing in writing before, right? So of course the court ordered her to get half. FOR NOW...hence the judge admitting he had not read the file. He simply issues a temporary order...so, given that, what's there to make you so mad, NOW?
" how do I start this new episode? "
You actually start doing what everyone's been recommending you do. Especially 25's suggestions. You focus on yourself and your son and you start developing compassion and understanding for your W.
Yeah well, obviously I agree. I think your paradigm must make a serious shift Bruce. You kinda still don't get it...really.
Are you in counselling for you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Bruce, I see nothing in your wife's behavior about the Golden Uterus syndrome. NOTHING at all.
She wanted your involvement, but you refused. That hurt her and caused her feelings to change and she left BECAUSE of your lack of involvement, at no time there, did she try to exclude you.
I know you regret it a lot. I know you feel foolish for "waiting til he's older" to become an involved father. I know you wish you'd been actively involved with him sooner. I know you wish you had listened to her more when she was depressed, instead of withdrawing from her, leaving her to cope alone, with a newborn...
But seriously, the Golden Uterus term simply has no application here.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi, I will try to explain how I view things, even if only for journalling.
It is since I have arrived in Canada in July 2012 that I am making all efforts to see my son, ask for more time, (and I admit trying to see my wife too). It has been denied, refused and opposed. That is why 7 months later, there is a judge that has to order W to let me see him more than 2 times two hours oer week ! She has no right to escape with the kid and tell me that I can't see him, or only on her terms. She can leave me, but she can't take S from me. Seems basic, doesn`t it ? Well apparently no, W wanted me to have 0 time with him. (!!!)
In fact, she should be paying a fine for each day that passed where she witheld S from me. If it was the contrary, denying a child to his mother, heck, I'd be in prison.
That's why I'm mad. The message I get is : if you want to see S, you'll have to pay. If you want to see him more, you have to pay more. W gets to have S 95% of the time, and gets plenty of money from ATM husband. And she kicks the husband in the balls, and throws him away like a disposable material. And oh, she suffered so much under my cruelty during her vulnerable time because I played table tennis in a club twice a week after work, that she deserves all my compassion and my understanding.
Come on already!
B.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Bruce, you are being an angry, petty man right now. I see almost no growth in you. You still mischaracterize the past AND the present
(as you pretended to have to give her so much money...when you knew it was temporary. You're angry she went to court for support, when you first wanted to go to court for more time with son. I guess you expected her to continue living with son without any agreement for support, so that if you did leave for France, she'd never get a cent from you, according to YOU...)
And for these^^ reasons, I am beginning to have little hope you'll learn much here.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"W gets to have S 95% of the time, and gets plenty of money from ATM husband."
Bruce from a mans perspective I get this^^^^^. Been there done that. If you let this consume you, your R with your S will suffer. Let it go and stop fighting her. You are responsible for financial maintenance, period. Don't use this to get back at her. It doesn't work and it will cause more damage. You are getting very sound advice from people who have been at this for a very long time.
Someone told me this at the very beginning to > "Drop the Gun"......
No one wins here. Everyone loses, remember that.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hi, I will try to explain how I view things, even if only for journalling.
It is since I have arrived in Canada in July 2012 that I am making all efforts to see my son, ask for more time, (and I admit trying to see my wife too). It has been denied, refused and opposed. That is why 7 months later, there is a judge that has to order W to let me see him more than 2 times two hours oer week ! She has no right to escape with the kid and tell me that I can't see him, or only on her terms. She can leave me, but she can't take S from me. Seems basic, doesn`t it ? Well apparently no, W wanted me to have 0 time with him. (!!!)
In fact, she should be paying a fine for each day that passed where she witheld S from me. If it was the contrary, denying a child to his mother, heck, I'd be in prison.
That's why I'm mad. The message I get is : if you want to see S, you'll have to pay. If you want to see him more, you have to pay more. W gets to have S 95% of the time, and gets plenty of money from ATM husband. And she kicks the husband in the balls, and throws him away like a disposable material. And oh, she suffered so much under my cruelty during her vulnerable time because I played table tennis in a club twice a week after work, that she deserves all my compassion and my understanding.
Come on already!
B.
A woman who would keep a child from the father is a bad mother. She has no right to use said child as a weapon; I don't care how "badly" she thinks she was treated. And to use her dad as a buffer? Yikes. You guys will need to co-parent at some point and I don't see her being very cooperative. She needs to grow up.
